


The Camgirl

by Alsike



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alien Biology, Alien/Human Relationships, Alternate Universe, F/F, Graduate School, Other, Sex Work, Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-05
Updated: 2019-12-16
Packaged: 2021-02-26 19:40:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 24,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21684124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alsike/pseuds/Alsike
Summary: Alex's graduate program isn't going great. She's working on her dissertation in Xeniatrics--the study of medicine for aliens--but is tired of her advisor's disappointment, and also tired of the very lab-oriented approach.Her best friend Maggie offers a solution: approach the project via the lived experience of aliens. And she has a resource, a cute alien vlogger named Kara.Only Kara isn't just the basic type of vlogger. She's a camgirl.There's no way Alex is going to touch that with a ten foot pole . . . right?
Relationships: Alex Danvers/Kara Danvers
Comments: 133
Kudos: 709





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [FitzDendarii](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=FitzDendarii).



> FINALLY, my RAICES fic #2. I am so sorry for the delay. It is about 5 times as long as intended.
> 
> For FitzDendarii, thank you so much. I hope this suits your fancy.

It was funny how you just sort of liked things. Alex liked the girl's room. It wasn't very big, the narrow windows running up high along one wall. Simple white walls, white bedspread, white painted dresser, white painted bookshelf. She only ever could see one corner of the bookshelf, but it seemed full of dog-eared and well-loved volumes. The bed was right under the windows, to catch any sun, Alex supposed. It meant the girl only filmed at night, but Alex supposed that she was busy during the day anyways. She always looked a little worn down at the start of her sessions, slowly undoing her hair from its tight ponytail, shaking out light brown waves, taking off her glasses, kicking off her shoes, and rolling her shoulders like an unexpectedly sexy Mr. Rogers.

The site was subscription only, and this wouldn't have been anything Alex was ever going to attach her credit card to--except a friend from the lab next door (Forensic Pathology) had gone out to grab lunch with her and had given her this quiet, unexpectedly intimate look, a sly smile--"you know how you're into aliens?"

Alex had been like, "Yeah. That's my research."

"There's this girl," the friend, Maggie, had said. "She's got a channel. She's an alien, and she talks pretty openly about it. I thought that might be something you'd be interested in."

"Oh. Maybe." To be honest, Alex hadn't really thought about contextualizing her research through interviews. But right now her thesis felt like a dead body she was carrying on her shoulders. Waking up every morning knowing that she had to work on it again, keep running her experiments, face her advisor's dismissive sneer, made it so hard to get out of bed. It was only the phone calls from her dad, excitedly asking her how it was going, planning a co-authored paper for after she graduated, that kept her in school.

But hanging out with Maggie made her see her own work differently. Aliens were coming out of the closet. Soon they would have something to say about research that treated them like bodies but not people. Alex's advisor would mock the whole idea, but he was old. Xeniatrics was changing. She could do a chapter on aliens' lived experience. It was a chance to be on the cutting edge. This vlogger could be a resource.

Only . . . she'd thought it was a YouTube channel or Twitch or something. Not . . .  _ Camster _ .

Alex wasn't going to _watch porn_. Well, she wasn't going to _pay_ for porn _._ Everyone knew you didn't have to do that anymore. This wasn't for her. Not even for research.

When Maggie gave her an eyebrow wiggle and asked if she'd checked out the link, Alex had glanced up from her phone to glare at her. "I thought it was a youtube channel. I'm not going to pay to watch a Camgirl even if she is an alien."

"Too bad." Maggie shook her head. "She's really cute. Thought she might be your type."

Alex dropped her phone. Surely Maggie didn't think she was gay? And a xenophile? As Alex blushed and stammered, Maggie swore and swooped down to pick up the phone and check the screen for cracks.

When she handed it over, Alex managed to spit out some semblance of words. "I'm not-- I'm not sexually attracted to aliens!" Just saying the words made her face go hot. "Or women."

"Oh," Maggie said, sounding a little disappointed. "Just married to your research, then?"

That . . . kind of sounded worse, but Alex didn't know how to respond. It wasn't like she'd ever been successful with boys, and the thought of going on dates--it just made her feel exhausted. "No," Alex said, but her voice was small.

Maggie squeezed her arm, and Alex was pretty sure she hadn't believed anything Alex said.

Still, she'd said no. Maggie wasn't going to try to hook her up with any more alien porn . . . she hoped. And Alex definitely was not going to investigate that link any further.

Then she'd had a really bad meeting with her advisor.

Dr. Farber was a great advisor to have. He led one of the top xenobiology labs in the country, if not the world. His lab published so many papers that Alex's name was going to be all over PubMed by next fall. But Alex was pretty sure he'd never warmed up to her. He knew her mom, and that was probably why he'd taken her as a student. But she wasn't living up to Eliza's hype.

And that meeting, well . . .

He didn't  _ tell _ her she was stupid. But there was enough in his silences for her to go away feeling like a thin tin roof that had been beaten in with a hammer. She'd sat in her room for an hour or two, staring at the tv--off--trying to figure out what she'd done wrong. Why was she such an idiot? Why couldn't she hack this?

Then she got out the whiskey.

Dad liked a small glass in the evenings. He'd started the habit in grad school, a way to make him feel more grown up. She really needed to feel grown up right now. So she'd poured a small glass and let the burn coat her tongue, the smokiness rise up through her nose. She'd put on the tv and watched two episodes of a stupid sitcom and drank two or three more glasses. Her mind was dull now, and she felt better, softer. Dad had the right idea. She pulled out her computer, checking her email. Nothing from her advisor, but that was fine.

Of course it was fine.

Of course it was.

The link from Maggie was in her notes file. She hadn't deleted it.

Tonight, the thought of looking at a pretty alien felt different than it had before. The voices-- _ what would people think, what does this mean about you, what if your credit score gets a beating-- _ had fallen silent. She clicked the link and watched the introductory video. The girl was fully clothed. She had a smile that managed to be shy and bright as the sun at the same time. She seemed sweet. Her smile made Alex feel less like crap. She just wanted to see a little more of her smile.

"Kara" was streaming in a few minutes.

It was a one time thing. Alex would cancel the subscription tomorrow. But she wanted to see it tonight. Just once. She made an account, typed in her credit card number, and clicked through.

The screen was loading, a spinning disk in the middle holding the place. There was a chatroom running underneath it.

AlienFetishist1: Where's our beautiful girl? I want to see those pretty lips.

xxxADAMxxx: ya . . . ya . . . ya

Chimmykins: Click here for a great deal on Silician yen!

It was as gross as Alex had guessed, and suddenly she felt dirty for being on the same webpage as these gross men.

BarryA: So, what are we thinking for tonight? I'm really into her sucking on her fingers.

LARGAND: PUSSY

WinSloW: You can't afford pussy, Large. You're lucky we don't boot you out since you never contribute a token.

BarryA: Oh, there's a newbie! Hey @NotDrAlex?! You gonna look at our girl?

NotDrAlex: hi

NotDrAlex: I heard she was an alein

Alex groaned after hitting send. She was too drunk to type. Also, she didn't want to chat with a bunch of perverts. This was terrible.

BarryA: Sure thing. You into that?

NotDrAlex: . . . yes?

AlienFetishist1: YEs! I dub thee AlienFetishist2!

NotDrAlex: I don't mean it like a fetish. I'm just interested. Is her body different? Does she talk about her home planet?

WinSloW: You know she reads this chat.

Alex froze, mortified.

NotDrAlex: I didn't mean it like that! I've never done this before. I don't know how it works.

BarryA: COol, cool. This might not be your vibe. She's a sweet kid and we will boot you if you're rude, okay? We got her out of her bra when @LenL came, because he's loaded. But that's unusual and we've never asked for anything below the waist. We work together to donate tokens to get her to do different things we want to watch, or talk about things we're interested in, though she'll often do that if we just ask politely.

NotDrAlex: Oh, that's really helpful. Thank you.

It was also a surprise. Alex had figured this was a porn site, but if they hadn't gotten her out of her pants, how explicit could it be? Being here felt a little less like a big deal.

BarryA: No problem. You see that little number in the corner of your screen? That's your token count. You get a basic rate for your subscription and then you can buy more if you want, and if you keep up your subscription for a full year your rate increases. You don't have to donate to watch, but . . . it's not sporting, yeah?

NotDrAlex: Okay, I understand.

BarryA: I'm proposing tonight be finger sucking, okay? All the ayes?

AlienFetishist1: Aye!

WinSloW: Aye carumba.

xxxADAMxxx: Aye . . . ya

LARGAND: PUSSY!

LARGAND: Aye

BarryA: The Ayes have it? Is that cool, @Kara?

Kara: Sounds good! Be with you in a sec! And Welcome, @NotDrAlex! Thanks for looking after him, @BarryA.

NotDrAlex: her

There was a pause, and Alex desperately searched for any way to erase the chat. Outing herself as female on any chatroom was just asking for trouble.

LARGAND: PUSSY!

Kara: Oh! I'm sorry for misgendering you! Welcome, again! Glad to have you!

NotDrAlex: It's fine. I'm-- glad to be here.

BarryA: Nice to have another girl! Sorry, I'm @BarryA's fiancée. I watch with him but don't have my own account.

NotDrAlex: hi

LARGAND: PUSSY!

BarryA: @LARGAND, shut up.

Alex shifted uncomfortably in her seat. This was already more community-based than she had been ready for. Also, had BarryA's fiancée also approved the finger sucking? What was going on?

The number of tokens being donated towards the finger sucking was rising. Some were marked with who donated it, some were anonymous. Apparently you could stay anonymous and still watch the stream. Of course Alex had screwed that up. She wasn't going to donate though. Only . . . she had eighteen tokens, half the number of dollars that the month's subscription had cost. And if she was canceling it after tonight, then it would be silly not to use them. And . . . finger sucking wasn't  _ offensive _ or anything.

She donated five tokens.

BarryA: Way to go, @NotDrAlex!

BarryA: It has to hit 200 to make it worth her while. The website takes a cut of the tokens for hosting and stuff.

NotDrAlex: thanks for explaining that

She donated five more tokens.

The spinning circle resolved into a view of a small basement room, painted a clean white, and a girl, the girl,  _ Kara _ moving back from the camera to sit on the edge of the bed.

She rubbed her forehead and rolled her neck and settled onto the bed. Then she smiled at the camera.

"Sorry I'm late. Manager didn't let me go until I cleaned up the frap a kid had booted all over the floor."

xxxADAMxxx: ewwwww

LARGAND: PUKE!

BarryA: That sucks, @Kara

"Thanks, you all. And welcome, Not Doctor Alex -- can I just call you Alex?"

NotDrAlex: sure

"Great. Do you want to say a little about what brought you here, Alex? And anything you like in particular? Or things that make you uncomfortable? I try to make this a comfortable place for my regulars, and I don't want to hit on any squicks for people if I can avoid them."

Alex had no idea what to type.

NotDrAlex: I guess I came here because a friend knew I was interested in aliens, um, like the lived experience of being an alien. How do you relate to your body? How do you feel being an alien in a majority human context? What fears or expectations do you have for medical treatment? Shit, sorry, this is boring.

Kara blinked at the screen as she read it. She looked a little surprised, and then she blushed. She actually blushed.

"No, those are really sweet questions. I'm happy to talk about that sort of thing."

LARGAND: PUSSY!

BarryA: I'm not comfortable with those kinds of questions. This isn't the right context for an interview. Tf you're going to use the information, you need a consent form.

Fuck, he--or she--was right. She probably also needed research approval. That would be a thrilling application to write. . . the reviewers had probably seen worse.

NotDrAlex: Of course, you're right. Forget about that. I had no idea what to expect here. I'm happy just to watch and listen to whatever you want to talk about. I don't really know if I have any squicks. Can I let you know as we go along?

"Of course." Kara nodded at the camera. "And I hear your concern, BarryA. How about we show Alex what a normal session is like, and if she has follow up questions, she can DM me. Is that good with everyone?"

Another chorus of Ayes filled the chat screen.

NotDrAlex: definitely. thanks

Kara gave the camera a soft smile that kind of felt like it was for Alex alone, and Alex shuffled deeper into the sofa, pulling a blanket around her legs. Her latest glass of whiskey sat untouched on the side table. She was in for the ride.

#

For being as drunk as she was, Alex remembered nearly all of that first session. She remembered the way Kara wriggled out of her boots and tucked up her bare feet under her calves. She remembered her soft smile and the way her hair fell over her face and almost all the way to her lap. She remembered the way Kara laughed as she and the chat, though mostly BarryA, chatted back and forth.

"Finger sucking? Sure. But is that all you want? Why don't I level it up? Why don't I get something to suck off my fingers?"

WinSloW: Aye carumba!

LARGAND: PUSSY!

xxxADAMxxx: Hell yeah!

Kara kept talking as she moved out of frame for a moment--but not very far. The apartment was a studio, Alex realized. She came back with a selection of items--peanut butter, chocolate syrup . . . mustard.

"This is actually a good idea," Kara said. "Alex, you might be interested in this. On Earth I have to eat about four thousand calories a day. It's weird. I'm not sure if the food back home was just more calorie dense, or if it has something to do with the way Earth affects my metabolism, but it took me a long time to be comfortable actually eating as much as I need to eat. The nice thing about working at Starbucks is that--if I'm sneaky--I can drink my bodyweight in high calorie beverages for free."

That was cool.

NotDrAlex: thank you for telling me. That _is_ interesting!

Then Kara had settled back on the bed, licked her lips, and proceeded to suck nearly a jar of peanut butter, often doused in chocolate syrup, off her own fingers with every evidence of enjoyment.

Alex found herself clutching the laptop so hard that there were lines in her hands. An alien. It was all in the small things, wasn't it, the way she could eat all that and not get a stomach ache, the way her tongue flicked out and moved the peanut butter too easily. And then there were the other things, the way she licked chocolate syrup off her lips, the way she laughed at LARGAND's abrupt but never really line-crossing comments. The way she nearly dripped chocolate on her top and caught it, and then waggled her finger at herself.

"Dangerous!" Kara stripped out of her top, revealing soft curves and firm muscles, and Alex stopped breathing for a good thirty seconds.

xxxADAMxxx: hubba hubba!

LARGAND: :faints:

Kara grinned at the chat, laughing in a way that said she didn't understand why they were so excited, but was happy that they were.

#

"All right you guys," Kara said when the clock ticked to midnight. "It's time for me to hit the hay. Thank you for coming! And Alex, if you're still there, I hope you had a good time and that I'll see you again next week. DM me if you have any questions."

Alex didn't cancel her subscription.

Honestly, it became a bit of a lifeline. If it was a shitty week, she'd know that Kara and her warm smile would be waiting at the end of it. She liked chatting with BarryA and his girlfriend. She'd sent Kara a few DMs about things that had come up in session, and Kara had sent her back long and thoughtful responses. She had at least twenty pages of a new chapter on Alien Expectations about Human Xeniatrics.

Dr. Farber hated it, but there really was no pleasing him.

The fact that she was a camgirl wasn't a big deal. She was nice, fun to watch, and it kind of even counted as research. It wasn't a sex thing. Kara was  _ nice _ . How could that be a sex thing at all?

#


	2. Chapter 2

[2]

"So, you ever check out that link, Danvers?"

Maggie was perched on a wall outside their building, smirking and vaping something that smelled like pine forests.

Alex scowled at her. " _ No _ ." It came out too short and defensive and Maggie's eyebrows shot up.

"How many tokens have you given her?"

" _ Maggie _ ." Alex's face was red.

"Hahaha, she's totally your type. My gaydar is never wrong!"

"She is an  _ informant _ . I sent her a release form and everything!"

"Who you watch get naked."

"She doesn't take off anything below the waist!"

Alex hadn't noticed Max roll up until he slid right in. "Hellooo?" Max was in her department, a year ahead. He also had Dr. Farber as his advisor, but Dr. Farber treated him like a colleague--or maybe like the second coming. "Who's getting naked?"

"No one," Alex snapped at him.

"Yeah, it's none of your business," Maggie told him, unexpectedly sharply.

Alex was surprised and felt a little bad. Max was one of the less irritating MD/PhD students--probably because he was so arrogant he came out the other side and could afford to be nice, while the others were too busy blowing smoke up their own asses.

"Aww, sounded like you were having fun."

"We were just talking about one of my informants," Alex said. "She live-streams and talks about being an alien."

"Oh, yeah," Max said. "Your weird alien project. I keep forgetting that's what you're working on." He grinned, and Alex kind of felt like she understood why a charm offensive was called 'offensive.' You should let me buy you coffee and tell me more about it."

That was a surprise. "Um, yeah, I could do that. Whenever."

"Cool. What are you doing right now?"

Alex was startled. She hadn't really thought he meant it, just that he was being polite. But-- He was kind of cute, actually. Blue eyes--like Kara's--though his were squintier, and his facial hair was probably a mistake.

" _ Danvers _ ." Maggie's protest was soft. But Maggie was also the one who had accused Alex of being a queer, camgirl-watching, xenophile, which she  _ wasn't _ . Max was handsome. Kara was just . . . research. So Maggie didn't deserve consideration.

"Sure."

It took Alex about ten minutes to start to feel uncomfortable. Max bought her a drink and then a snack she hadn't asked for. He was making serious eye-contact. Alex kind of suspected that he expected her to take him home after this and sleep with him. But tonight was one of Kara's cam nights. She needed to be home by ten. Also . . . there was no way she'd even let him kiss her if he didn't shave.

Thinking about letting him kiss her left a sick sort of weight in her stomach. She just wanted to go home.

"Tell me about your informant," Max said, leaning in, smiling. "What was all of that about her getting naked?"

Alex needed to get out of there. " _ Nothing _ , Maggie was just teasing me."

"Come on. You can trust me." He gave her his slyly winning smile.

She didn't think she could, not with this, but she also didn't know how to say anything to deflect his interest. She felt sick and awkward and then realized she'd stayed silent for too long.

Serendipitously, for once, her mom called 'to check in on her progress,' and she was able to fake a family emergency after having had her phone screen show her mom's actual name. Max waved her off with equanimity. She would have preferred it if he'd looked disappointed. She might have been able to hope that he'd given up.

#

The next week a new person showed up in the chat. 777Mephisto. Kara welcomed him, and Alex shifted uncomfortably, a little annoyed that she was just as warm and sweet with this random stranger as she had been with (random stranger) Alex.

He seemed friendly at first, supporting whatever idea the chat had, though usually the sexier ones. He agreed with @LARGAND's ALL CAPS suggestion of the Peeps challenge, but then suggested Kara do it in a wet t-shirt and no bra. Though he never made suggestions himself, he always seemed to be pushing, getting people to share their fantasies. When Alex didn't, he'd prod her in particular. "Breasts or gams?" He asked. AlienFetishist1 joined in too easily. "If you're into aliens, maybe it's thoraxes." He never shared his own interests, and even when Kara asked what brought him here, he deflected. But even his deflections were charming and made Kara smile . . . which made Alex jealous.

The selections got more overtly sexy, and Alex couldn't help but think that it was down to 777Mephisto's influence. That night, led by WinSloW, casually encouraged by 777Mephisto, they'd paid for her to strip off her top and bra while facing away from the camera, slowly moving her ass from side to side. Alex found the whole idea degrading and was still on the fence about whether or not she was sexually attracted to women. So she'd only donated 10 tokens, just to be there. Unfortunately, it turned out that Kara glancing back with her hair falling over her naked shoulder was incredibly sexy. During the tipping phase Alex donated fifty more tokens.

The fence was slipping out from under her.

Kara didn't seem bothered by any suggestion--even the ones that made Alex uncomfortable. She stripped off her pants easily, laughing and showing off her thighs. She read dirty things aloud, and dressed up as WinSloW's favorite cartoon characters, acting out scenes that usually involved a bit of bondage and desperate pleading. She played with her breasts, and touched herself through her clothes. 

Her shadowed gaze on the camera lens, and the clutch of her hand, the way she rocked, just a little, it was a  _ lot _ , and even though Alex was pretty sure she didn't take it all that far and what sounded like a quiet little release was fake, it was all making it very hard to avoid facing facts. Watching turned her on.

Worst of all, everything she found out about Kara made her like her more.

All the while Kara showed off her body and dribbled Japanese mayonnaise suggestively over her lower lip, she talked, making jokes and rambling about her desire to help people. Alex got hints that it had been hard for her to finish her degree. There were just more people on this planet, crowds of people who were loud in public spaces, and it got a little overwhelming for her. She had difficulty focusing in large classes. She wanted more than the barista job, but didn't know if she could hack it.

Alex sent her DMs, asking about this stuff, listening to her answers. She was working on the new chapter, but the research had become an excuse to reach out, rather than her motivation. She just wanted to talk to Kara, share ideas, see if there was any way she could help, find resources or advice, or just offer comfort.

Kara looked so human, and yet being an alien affected so many parts of her life.

Though a biologist, Alex had sort of forgotten about the whole biological aspect. It was 777Mephisto who asked, in a charming way that Alex could never have managed, a question she'd long ago given up on even thinking about trying to phrase.

777Mephisto: So, Kara. Are your alien qualities all internal? Or do you have alien toes? I bet they're adorable, even if they are alien.

Kara laughed and blushed a little. It was charming that  _ this _ was what embarrassed her, since xxxADAMxxx had given her a highly explicit scene to read aloud involving the word 'cucumber' in a context god never intended, and Kara had done it with a grin and no hint of a blush.

"I'm mostly morphologically human," Kara said. "A few differences. And if the question is internal vs external, well-- most of the time it's all internal."

777Mephisto: Does that mean you can bring it out to play? ;)

Kara hesitated, but she hesitated in a way that made it clear he'd hit the nail right on the head. "I  _ can." _

777Mephisto: Will you?

The set to Kara's shoulders and the way her eyes flicked around made it clear that she didn't want to say yes, and yet there was a resignation to her posture that made it seem like she'd expected this. Maybe she had. You didn't expect people to watch you because you were an alien and not want to see your alien parts. "You'd have to be sure you want to see it. I know that you're all sweet about me being an alien, about my numerous taste buds and terrible food habits, but knowing and seeing are different things. I'd have to set it pretty high, maybe five thousand tokens, and you'd all have to donate. I need to know you're all comfortable with it."

The thought left a strange crawling feeling in Alex's stomach. She wanted to see, but Kara seemed so shy about it and a little anxious that they'd hate her afterwards. Setting the price high didn't seem to be about the money at all--rather, a deterrent. They rarely worked up more than 400 tokens. For 5000 they had to mean it. Alex also wanted to chase everyone away and beat them up if they even so much as looked at Kara funny.

It was dumb. It wasn't her responsibility to make sure Kara was okay, but she couldn't leave. As Kara was saying goodbye and turning off the feed, Alex sent her a DM.

NotDrAlex: Have you shown it to other humans?

Kara: a couple of times

NotDrAlex: I hate to think it didn't go well, but I kind of do. Humans can be shit.

That was pretty much what she'd learned in doing the lit review for the new chapter she was working on. Kara didn't respond for a long time and Alex worried that she'd said something wrong and Kara had just signed off. When the message finally came, it was a long one.

Kara: I know I have a lot of privilege because I'm human-passing. But it's hard to have intimate relationships when I can't show people all of myself. I love talking to you all because I feel like I can say anything, and you all give me warmth and support. I would hate to lose any of you, just because you might have a physiological disgust reaction to something that makes me . . . inhuman.

Alex sat back. This was a big deal for Kara. She had a whole subsection in her chapter about the disgust reaction, but she'd never even considered that anything about  _ Kara _ would spark it. In anyone.

Kara: It's hard, because I love myself. I  _ want _ to love myself. If I don't show you, does that mean maybe I don't actually love myself as much as I want to?

NotDrAlex: Are there others of your kind here?

Kara: No

Alex waited, but there was nothing more forthcoming.

NotDrAlex: So you're alone?

Kara: I have you all.

NotDrAlex: I'm so sorry, Kara.

There was no response for a while, then finally Kara typed:

Kara: thank you

Kara: I need to get to bed, stupid early shift in the morning. I'm sorry to cut you off.

But Alex knew that she'd touched some sensitive areas, and that Kara was curling up around herself to stay protected.

NotDrAlex: No problem at all. Sleep well.

NotDrAlex: Do you dream? If so, I hope you dream only about good things, like . . . ice cream, and a litter of kittens, and otters swimming

Kara didn't respond, and Alex felt embarrassed. But not ashamed. She did hope Kara felt better and kind of wanted to smack 777Mephisto for bringing the idea up in the first place.

#

"I don't know what to do," Alex said to Maggie, in a low voice, out on the wall where Maggie was vaping again (some sort of smoky sandalwood scent. Maybe it was incense. Why was Maggie vaping incense?) "I-- fuck."

Maggie raised an eyebrow, and Alex got a look at her vaping device. It . . . didn't look like any of the others Alex had seen. She frowned at it.

"Where did your vape pen come from?"

"Don't change the subject. Please elaborate on the 'I-- fuck.'"

Alex shifted uncomfortably. "So, you know, the . . . girl."

"The  _ cam _ girl?" Maggie's shit-eating grin was incredibly annoying.

"Yes. The  _ cam _ girl." Alex glared. "Kara." She shook her head. "Kara's kind of been bullied in to showing the comm her . . . alien parts. I don't think she should need to do that! They're being cruel. And I just, I'm scared their responses are going to hurt her."

Alex shifted back and forth on her toes. She was seriously anxious about this. The thought of Kara showing herself was terrifying. Her palms sweated, and her feet itched and she wanted to run, and drink. She definitely wanted to drink.

Maggie stared at her for a long moment, taking a long draw on her vape pen. Then she blew the sandalwood scent out in Alex's face. What an asshole.

"Are you just scared of their response? What about yours? Are you sure you'll react with the dignity you want?"

Fuck. That hit home. Alex sagged. "I'm not. I want to. I want to be able to handle it, whatever it is. But I just don't-- I don't know." She let her head fall into her hands. "I'd hate myself if I hurt her with my reaction."

"Let's go on a field trip."

They ended up in a dingy bar, ordering drinks from a beautiful woman who looked at them both with narrow analytical eyes, and finding a table from where they could watch the passers by.

The other bar patrons were mostly aliens. Most of them were obvious aliens. Alex stared, wide eyed. "Why didn't you take me here before! This-- I could have met so many informants--"

"I thought Kara was more your type." Maggie grinned and Alex glared. "Honestly?" Maggie said. "I didn't think you were ready. These people aren't cute and human passing like Kara. But they're also  _ people _ like Kara. Can you look at them and feel that?"

They sat and drank for a few hours and Alex watched the people move around. At first she found herself recoiling at slithery tentacles or startling at two heads or wincing away from a particularly insectoid patron. But after a while it just felt like . . . being at a bar, shooting the shit with a good friend. Maggie told stories about aliens she'd dated, and women she'd dated--some of them were weirder than the aliens.

"Hey Joe," Maggie said. "Come show Alex your tongue."

Joe was a hairy guy with cheek fur that didn't look quite like a beard. He grinned at Alex and stuck out his tongue. It was long and grey and broke into a set of tentacles at the end that all wiggled independently.

Alex jerked back. "Woah." 

Joe laughed and laughed.

Alex took a breath then leaned forward and looked more carefully. "That's amazing. How does it work?"

They went up to the bar and chatted with M'gann, the beautiful woman, there a little more. "I'm trying to get Alex to accept her initial reactions to things and then move past them. You got anything to show her?"

M'gann contemplated her carefully. "You're attracted to me," she said.

Alex flinched, but god, she needed to get out of the denial pit. Sure, M'gann was beautiful. "Yeah," she said.

"Well done," Maggie congratulated her, sounding a little surprised that she admitted it.

Alex glared and then, in a blink, a small bald green alien was in front of Alex. Alex gaped. Then she took a breath, and looked again. The eyes were the same--different, but also with that same gentle but analytic contemplation.

Alex swallowed hard.

"Are you attracted to me like this?" M'gann asked.

Alex shut her eyes then opened them again. The little green person was still in front of her. "No," she said softly.

"That's  _ fine." _ M'gann pressed her arm. Her hand was hard, the grip rough. "It took me a long time to not see humans as loose disgusting bags of flesh. And . . . I'm still not going to pursue anything intimate with them. It's fine to not be sexually attracted to people. It isn't fine to use either the existence or the lack of sexual attraction to not treat them like people. But you know that."

Alex swallowed hard. "But I-- I want to be attracted to her. I want to show her that I'm not like that. I'm not going to change the way I look at her or the way I feel--"

Maggie gently rubbed her back.

"You can't guarantee that," M'gann said.

"My recommendation is just to stay open-minded," Maggie said. "I don't always immediately find someone appealing. And some things I do have a disgust response to. But I also know that it's often a surprisal response. I've grown attracted to people, to shapes, to bodies over time. Give yourself a chance to get used to it. Don't just react to your initial response with guilt and self-recrimination and then pull away."

That sounded . . . smart. It sounded like something she needed to put in her chapter.

"Okay," Alex said. "I'll try."

"Also, for someone who has been denying denying denying being into Kara at all, you seem to have a lot of your self-image riding on wanting her body." Maggie smirked up at her.

Alex flushed, feeling called out. Fine, there were women she was attracted to. But Maggie didn't  _ understand _ . She didn't know Kara. Kara was sweet in a way that made Alex want to offer her whatever she wanted. And if her audience's sexual attraction was what she was hoping for, Alex wanted to give her that.

Wanting more--wanting Kara to actually see her, and smile at her--that was stupid. Alex was a name on a screen to Kara. Imagining more was just sad. So even if she was attracted to Kara, it didn't really mean anything. It didn't matter.

#

On the chat the next week, before Kara got done with her shift at Starbucks, the conversation was all about Kara's offer. A few people had flooded in from the anonymous donor list and were debating on whether or not they wanted to see it.

NotDrAlex: Look, it's clear she's uncomfortable! There's no way we should force her to do it.

777Mephisto: It's not forcing her, it's paying her. She set the price. She's willing, as long as we're willing.

WinSloW: It's true. Honestly, I don't know if I can keep watching her, knowing there's something, without knowing what it is.

LARGAND: PUSSY!

BarryA: It does sound like she's willing to . . . pull back the veil, as they say.

xxxADAMxxx: I want to see it.

AlienFetishist1: You don't even need to ask me, right? I want to see it.

Anon1: I think we're in two camps. Either we want to see it, because it turns us on. Or we want to see it because knowing there's something wrong with her but not knowing what it is will make us imagining grosser and grosser stuff until we leave anyway. So I think we need to make the donation.

NotDrAlex: She is a  _ person _ . And an alien. Which we all knew! So what if she has a non-humanoid appendage. Just imagine it's hot and masturbate thinking about it!

BarryA: Sorry, Alex. I think the ayes have it. We're going to donate to see her alien parts tonight. If you don't want to be here to see it, you don't have to be.

But there was no way Alex was going to leave Kara at the mercy of the chat without her.

The tokens hit 5355 and Kara showed up, looking worn down from her day. She looked at the number and her shoulders just sagged. "We're doing it?"

BarryA: We'd like to see your alien part.

"Right," Kara said. "I guess ... I guess we'll see if I can get it to come out."

Alex felt her chest grow tight. She climbed onto her couch, pulling up her legs. She didn't want to watch this, but she couldn't look away. Kara looked so sad and soft and preemptively lonely.

Kara hesitated for a moment, and then she took off her glasses. She took her hair out of its ponytail and it fell limply around her face. She reached for her waistband and then stopped and sighed. "I'm going to . . . get a beer. If that's okay?"

BarryA: Of course.

The chat was eerily silent. Everyone was waiting for this. Alex felt her eyes sting. Was she going to cry? A Camgirl couldn't make her  _ cry _ .

But this was, in some ways, exactly what she was writing about. She was talking about it in terms of medical care, but you went to the doctor having faith that you could trust them. They would look at you and not judge you, would treat you the same as anyone else, even if parts of you were different. But if you were different, you learned not to trust, because doctors didn't deserve that faith, other people didn't deserve that faith.

Kara came back into frame, having changed into a comfy sweatshirt, a beer in her hand. She settled onto her bed again. "Okay, here goes nothing." She unfastened her jeans and slowly shuffled them off. Her legs were long and shapely. She wore plain black bikini cut underwear and pink socks. She took a long drink of the beer, set it on the bedside table, then climbed fully onto the bed, glancing at herself in the monitor a few times to make sure the shot was right. She shut her eyes and slowly rubbed her thumb across her lips.

Alex felt her breath come short. Was she trying to become aroused? Maybe she was thinking about being kissed. Who did she want kissing her? Where would they be? Kneeling over her? A hand cupping her face, her ribs, her waist? Alex had never considered kissing a girl before, and guys were just . . . kissing happened. She didn't think about it much. But Kara's lips would be soft, her face smooth.

Kara rubbed her hand over her lower belly, and smiled just a little. There was a tiny movement of her underwear.

Alex felt her whole body go alert. What was it?

Kara ran her fingers up the ridge that had appeared in her underwear and Alex's stomach swooped. It seemed like something under there was unfurling, like wings. Then she dipped down the hem of her underwear and something blue appeared at the top. It was a rich blue, a little turquoise, and it rose like a stem. Kara bit her lower lip, and rubbed her thumb across the top. It emerged slowly, the bend in it stretching and reaching up as her fingers played with it. She shifted her underwear down her thighs and leaned her head back, and there it was, long and lithe, like a ribbon, almost, reaching up toward the ceiling of the small dim room.

NotDrAlex: Fuck. You're beautiful.

It was the only chat in the last ten minutes. Everyone had been transfixed. Kara stroked the ribbon and it shifted, opening up to reveal a glimmering glistening sheet of cilia hidden inside, like a sea anemone. Her thumb parted it down at her mons veneris and then rubbed up, making the cilia bend and flex, and release a blue-tinted liquid that she then licked off her thumb.

AlienFetishist1: fuckkkkkkkkkkkk

WinSloW: I want you to masturbate. Please masturbate. I've got my dick in my hand too.

(xxxADAMxxx has left the chat)

777Mephisto: You ever stuck that in a human? A woman? Or did you use it to lick a man's ass.

BarryA: Lick my lady ass.

Alex's face went hot. She wanted to touch it. She wanted to feel the round firmness of the cilia on her fingers. She wanted to taste the liquid they exuded. She wanted to wrap her hand around the shaft and feel it bend and flex and wriggle like an eel. The idea of feeling it anywhere besides her hand, opening and stroking over her side, touching her face . . .

Alex sank her hand into her pajama bottoms and let the computer slide onto the couch beside her. She pressed her head back against the sofa, keeping her squinting eyes on the screen, and slid her fingers into herself.

#

"About a quarter of the people left her chat," Alex said softly.

"And you?" Maggie asked. "What did you do?"

Alex went red.

Maggie smiled softly. "Good girl."

#


	3. Chapter 3

Alex's outside reader, Dr. Mel Amphipoli, from the Anthropology department (Anthropology didn't really make sense as a name when it included Alien Studies, but the names of things were hard to change), read her new chapter on Alien perceptions of human-provided medical care with curiosity. "You're wasted in medicine," she said bluntly; her ice-chip blue eyes surveyed her like a commander surveyed a field of battle.

Alex laughed a little awkwardly. "Not sure my parents would agree with you."

"Your writing isn't utter crap."

"My informants were really helpful . . ."

Dr. Amphipoli made her shut up and walked her through each paragraph, marking all of the places where she'd said something unsupported or wasn't aware of the basic discourse in the field. Alex took copious notes, sounding out ideas of how to fix the problems and making checks in the margin if Dr. Amphipoli made a brief approving nod.

At the end of the meeting, Dr. Amphipoli stood up to walk her to the door. She towered over Alex, and Alex, who had slowly been coming to terms with the idea, felt that it was confirmed--girls. She liked them. Absolutely terrifying older women were a new thing, but . . . they were definitely a thing.

"I'm just saying. I spent the first three years of the anthro program beating the basics of how to treat their subjects into my students. And don't talk to me about doctors treating their patients like people. You figured that one out on your own. You'll be good at whatever you do. Just stay human." Dr. Amphipoli frowned. "I mean that in the 'humanitarian' meaning, not the speciest one."

Alex laughed. Alien Studies was still new enough that it confused people. "I got it."

Dr. Amphipoli glanced vaguely towards the window. "It's too easy to get competitive and treat your work as a way to win. But what you sacrifice to win like that makes  _ you _ worthless."

Alex nodded intently. In this space, she believed that. But once she stepped out the door, it got harder. Dr. Farber always pushed her away from pursuing projects she was interested in, instead encouraging her to do work that would support the reputation of his lab. It was clear that success meant pleasing him. But after meetings with Dr. Amphipoli, for a little while, Alex could think that success was doing the project  _ she _ wanted to do, as well as she possibly could. It was a nice thing to believe, even if it only lasted until she showed up at the lab next.

She liked Dr. Amphipoli. Too bad you couldn't have an anthropologist as your advisor for an MD/PhD. It was kind of funny, because she'd heard the Anthro kids talking about how much of a hardass she was. They should try Biomed. She was a pussycat compared to Dr. Farber.

#

The next week was hard. Kara was tired and strained and it was clear she'd gotten some DMs that were cold and cruel, as well as some that were probably filthy and ugly.

"No," she said when WinSloW asked. "I don't want to do it again. I-- I shouldn't have done it. I don't want to do it again."

Alex DMed her as many cute cat pictures as she could find. After about the fifteenth, Kara responded.

Kara: Alex, I'm  _ fine _ .

NotDrAlex: You don't seem fine.

Kara: I wasn't expecting 25%. I don't know why I wasn't expecting that. I know people. I should know better. But I'm just not sure if I'm going to make rent. And work sucks. I interviewed at this place in SaliHo but they haven't called, and I just-- I don't know if I can handle my manager and the patrons lately.

Surprised, Alex wrote back without thinking.

NotDrAlex: SaliHo? You're in National City?

(Kara has left the chat)

Alex shut her computer. Fuck.

#

The week after that WinSloW and 777Mephisto had a proposal.

WinSloW: Look. I want her to masturbate. I know she said she didn't want to do it again, but we've all run the gauntlet now. And everything has a price.

777Mephisto: We all want that, right? Even you Dr. Alex. You're interested in the physiology, right?

NotDrAlex: She's said she doesn't want to. I am not on board with forcing her. She already feels like her privacy has been invaded.

777Mephisto: (to NotDrAlex only) She's a fucking camgirl. You bet her privacy has been invaded. She chose to put her privacy on the internet for people to buy. Who do you think these other douchebags are? They're scuzzy down on their luck perverts who can't get a girlfriend and want to imagine that they're sharing one. You and me? We're different. We're _interested_. Let's just use them to get the information we're interested in.

NotDrAlex: You're an asshole, Mephistopheles. Get out of this chat.

The problem was, the rest of the chat was on board.

BarryA: Hate to say it, but it sounds so hot.

LARGAND: THINGY!

AlienFetishist1: I will not eat lunch for a week to afford it.

Then Kara turned her camera on. It was a little later than usual, and she looked wan and beaten down. 

"I'm not sure I can do this this week," she said. "I'm really sorry I just--" She sank down onto the bed and cupped her arms around her head. "--got fired. I need to be here, but I-- I don't think I can play the role of fun and friendly tonight."

NotDrAlex: Oh no. You need to take care of yourself first.

BarryA: I'm so sorry, Kara. I'm sure you'll find another job soon.

LARGAND: $500 a night for being my live in girlfriend!

LARGAND: sorry, I actually can't afford that

Kara just sighed. "Should have saved that 2k from last month. I just got excited about the prospect of taking a chunk out of my student loans. Now I don't even know . . ."

She trailed off, and Alex's stomach ached for her. Student loans, rent and alien food bills, and if she was making like $200 a week off of the camgirl stuff, she was barely scraping by. Alex had a student stipend, and rent was still draining her savings. But if worst came to worst, she could pack it in and move home. Kara had no one.

WinSloW: Actually, Mephisto and I had a proposal that might help. I know you're not all that comfortable showing yourself, but what if we could guarantee you enough money to make rent for a couple weeks? Just while you're looking for something new.

Kara sat on the edge of the bed, staring uncomfortably at the screen. Then her shoulders went limp. "What would I have to do?"

777Mephisto: We want you to fuck someone. With your alien part.

NotDrAlex: What the fuck, you said masturbate

777Mephisto: I'm offering to back you on my AmEx, four point five thousand tokens a week, everyone else pitching in, if you follow these steps.

Week 1: Masturbate

Week 2: be masturbated by a human

Week 3: fuck a human

Week 4: have a human fuck you

You can pick the human or humans. I'd prefer a guy, but we did a poll and I was out voted.

(777Mephisto: (to everyone besides Kara) I don't get it. You don't want to see her rawed by a huge cock?

WinSloW: I want to see her play with a cute girl more.)

"I think-- I'd need to think about this. I mean, I'm not even sure if I can have sex with a human without damaging them with my fluids in some way. The sex I've had has all been with . . . external erogenous zones."

777Mephisto: I'm sure you can get someone to test it.

"And if it's not safe?"

777Mephisto: If you go through with the tests and the masturbation, I'll make sure you get the first two weeks of payment either way.

Kara looked so tired. But she nodded slowly. "Let me think about it."

WinSloW: Just let us know when you decide.

Kara: (to Alex only) I'm going to close the live stream, but Alex, can you stay for a second.

NotDrAlex: Of course.

Alex waited anxiously as Kara said goodbye and closed the stream. People dropped away from the chatroom. Then, finally, Kara messaged her.

Kara: What do you think about all of this?

NotDrAlex: I think it's an invasion of privacy and you said you didn't want to do this, so asking is cruel.

Kara: But do you want to see it?

Alex didn't know how to answer that. Her fingers hovered over the keys. Then she breathed out.

NotDrAlex: You're beautiful. I'd watch you read a novel and drink tea covered in a big blanket.

NotDrAlex: Was that creepy?

Kara: Not at all.

NotDrAlex: I'm sorry about before. Guessing where you are is an invasion of privacy.

Kara: It's fine. I am in National City.

NotDrAlex: Me too :)

NotDrAlex: Was  _ that _ creepy? It's a big city. It's not like I'm going to run into you on accident.

Kara: :D Still not creepy.

Kara: Actually, I'm a little glad. You're a scientist, right? Could you-- or someone you know, run the tests to make sure I  _ can _ have sex with a human?

NotDrAlex: You're thinking of saying yes.

Kara: I can't afford to say no.

Alex wanted to say so much, but she couldn't figure out how to phrase it. She wanted to offer Kara a safe place to stay and a way to make ends meet, but she was just some creep on the other end of a one way camera. She didn't deserve to be the one to help Kara.

Kara: I would love to know if I can have sex with a human without harming them. I-- the real thing is that there's no one I know who I feel like would be comfortable having sex with me.

NotDrAlex: I think all you'd have to do would be ask. :)

Kara: Flatterer

NotDrAlex: Literally tho, go on Tindr. Say I need a partner for a camgirl show who's willing to get intimate with an alien. And you'll be flooded. Also, I'm sure my BFF would be down for the task, if you need a confirmed xenophile.

Kara: But you wouldn't be?

Alex froze.

NotDrAlex: Me? You wouldn't be into me.

Kara: I am not going to confirm your low self-esteem. Would you say no if I asked?

Alex tried to type, deleted, typed . . .  _ If you-- if you wanted me, I-- _

Kara: Just teasing. As if you'd risk your career to do porn. But if you'd run the tests for me, that would be amazing.

NotDrAlex: Of course.

Alex sat there for a while. The 'risk your career' thing was kinda important, wasn't it? She was glad Kara had brought it up-- or she might have said yes.

#

"Hey, Alex."

For once Maggie wasn't vaping outside the building, and Alex wished she had been, because the alternative seemed to be Max. She didn't want to see Max. She was going to go meet Kara at a coffee shop to get the vials for testing, and she needed to stop freaking out.

This wasn't supposed to happen. She wasn't supposed to  _ meet _ the girl she'd gotten a crush on by watching her cam channel. Or worse, the girl wasn't supposed to meet  _ her _ . Alex spent the morning trying on all her clothes, and throwing them on her bed in disgust. The only salvageable item was a black jean jacket that Maggie had made her buy. Everything else fit weird or was floral or an old t-shirt she'd gotten free from some sports thing. She hated her hair. It was too long and lank and she never knew what to do with it. Just . . . there was nothing special about her. There was nothing that might make Kara look at her and go, oh, this one isn't like all the others. This one is special.

She might as well face it. She wasn't special.

Dr. Farber was pretty sure of that. She'd had her study design approved nearly a year ago, and she was three phases into her experiments, and he'd suddenly pulled out a paper that undermined the very premise of her approach.

Alex didn't believe it. The paper had to be bullshit. Because if it wasn't . . .

If it wasn't, she was over a year behind on her dissertation. The only chapter that was salvageable was the one Kara had given her data for. If it wasn't, she was  _ fucked. _

She'd been dodging her parents' calls ever since the meeting. And now Max was here, looking concerned and helpful in a way that made her just feel worse about herself.

"I heard there was some rough stuff going on with your thesis. Do you want to talk about it? I'm pretty well read in the area, I could help." He smiled, a clever little smirky smile, and Alex just shut her eyes and hated everything. Why was she even here? Why was she in this field? The thought of staying here, of dealing with this, of needing to be the best--it made her eyes well up with tears and the weight of her future come down on her like the weight of oceans.

"No, I'm fine. I've gotta-- I've got to go."

She caught the bus into town and stared at her hands the whole way. If Max knew, that meant everyone knew. The whole department was probably laughing at her, for spending so much time on a research program that was based on a lie.

Before running into Max, she'd been nervous-excited-horrified about meeting Kara. But now she was just tired, still anxious and miserable.

The misery sat on her until she walked in the door of the coffee shop. Across the shop, by the floor-to-ceiling windows, sat Kara, on her phone, smiling at it, laughing and texting someone. She was here. She was really,  _ physically  _ here, and Alex just felt like the clouds were parting. She wasn't even nervous. It was okay. Kara made things okay.

She got herself a black coffee and also the biggest, most disgustingly sugary thing she could see on the menu, and then sidled up.

"Hi," she said.

Kara looked up. An expression crossed her face that Alex couldn't recognize. And then a shy, sort of dorky smile. "Um, hi."

"Sorry, I didn't ask. But is this--" Alex handed over the revolting drink. "--okay?"

"Oh!" Kara took it, looked from it to Alex, and back again. "Yeah. Thank you." She smiled. It was almost upsetting to have that smile directed right at her with no screen between them. "I thought this was sort of a bar thing."

"I-- what?" Alex was confused.

Kara looked worried, and frowned at her. "What?"

"What?" Alex asked back, helplessly.

Kara looked from the drink, back to Alex, to the chair across from her, then back to Alex. "Look, I'm sort of waiting for someone. But thank you for the drink? Um, it's really sweet of you? Did you-- do you want my number?"

Alex stared at her, bewildered. "Who are you waiting for?"

"Um. My friend. Alex."

It clicked. Alex felt like a numbskull. "Oh. That's-- that's me."

Kara stared at her. Her lips parted, her mouth just open for a long moment, and then she shut it again with a snap. " _ Oh _ ." She stood up. " _ Hi _ ." Then she stuck her hand out. Alex awkwardly lurched forward for the shake, and then the hand was gone, and Kara's arms were around her, and she was being hugged. Alex squeezed back, startled and left-footed, and then Kara went stiff and pulled back. "I'm-- I'm sorry. I didn't ask you if you hug--"

"Oh, no. No, hugs are good." Eventually, Alex's heartrate would go down to some normal pattern. But right now she just needed to take a bunch of deep breaths so she didn't die. She sank down into the chair opposite and tried to surface. "I'm-- I'm your friend?"

Kara had also sat back down and was hiding her face in her hands. "Oh Rao, I'm so sorry. I thought you were hitting on me."

"You know," Alex said, not entirely sure what was going to come out of her mouth next. "I don't really hit on a lot of people, but if I had been trying to hit on you, I feel like that might be the only time I've actually been offered a number. Maybe I should change my strategy to painfully awkward." Kara peeked up out of her hands. She was grinning. Alex thought about what she'd said for a moment. "No, on second thought, that already is my strategy."

Kara laughed. "I doubt it. You're always smooth. I just confused you."

Alex gave her a long look. "I have never been accused of being smooth in my life."

Kara shrugged, but she was smiling, her head cocked a little to the side, her hair cascading down over her cheek. "I've never met anyone from the internet before, so you've got to be a little smooth."

"My A in organic chemistry is my most seductive feature," Alex replied.

Kara laughed, and suddenly, Alex felt a little thrill of excitement. This wasn't weird, it was talking to a pretty girl. A pretty girl who she liked. And from the easy way Kara was looking at her, then glancing away, then looking back, smiling and laughing a little, she kind of felt that Kara liked her too. Now  _ that _ made her anxious.

"Who were you texting when I got in?"

"Oh, Kal," Kara shook her head, smiling, and held out her phone. "He's my little cousin." The photo on her phone was of her and a little dark haired boy out in front of some cows.

"You have a cousin? I thought you said--"

"It's just us."

Alex could feel the landmine under her foot. "He's adorable."

Kara smiled again. "He's into memes. It's terrible. There are no real child appropriate memes. And then he wants me to  _ explain _ them."

Alex laughed, and then searched for something to share or say. It was the right beat to offer something personal, to cement the intimacy, but-- nothing came. Her chest went tight and her head spun. There was nothing, why was there nothing?

"I- I- I'm sorry. I feel so boring. I eat sleep and breathe my dissertation, and I just--" The weight of the meeting with Dr. Farber hit her again, knocking the breath from her lungs. She couldn't speak.

"Alex, are you--" Suddenly Kara was there, rubbing her shoulder, miming breathing. "Breathe, Alex, breathe."

Alex's breath came back with a choking wheeze, and her eyes welled up with tears. "I'm sorry. I-- I used to be fun. I used to surf and to play soccer and to sculpt in sheet metal, but I've  _ only _ been doing grad school for years now, and I just-- I just found out I might have wasted a whole year of it, and I just-- I don't know how much longer I can bear to stay."

"It's okay." Kara rubbed her arm. "It's really okay."

Alex felt like she was swimming in shame. Couldn't she even talk to a girl? "I'm so sorry. I just met you and I'm a wreck--"

"Honestly? I've already been a wreck in front of you. So fair's fair, right?"

Her eyes in person were so blue, and Alex couldn't bear how beautiful she was. It made all of this so much harder and so much worse. But the understanding look Kara was giving her made her feel brave. "Yeah," she said. "Fair's fair."

Kara smiled and rubbed her arm again before sliding back into her chair. "You want to tell me about it?"

"You don't need to hear about my problems."

"Well, you're helping me with mine."

So Alex told her, about the research, about how hard it was, about Dr. Farber, and all of the people she hated in the program, how they made her feel tired and worn down and not good enough.

"But you always seem so exited when you're asking me questions."

"They're for my other chapter. Dr Farber doesn't even think it's real science."

"I'm sorry, Alex."

Alex shrugged a little. "It was my choice."

Kara watched her for a long moment. "Was it?" she asked. "Is it also your choice to leave?"

Alex froze. "What?"

"It sounds . . . pretty awful. Why are you still there?"

"My-- my parents--"

"Oh," Kara smiled, gentle. "I get it."

Alex suddenly felt guilty and upset. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to complain about them. I mean, at least--" Alex grimaced suddenly. Way to mention Kara's tragic loss of her family.

"It's all right," Kara said gently. "If my parents were alive, I'd probably do a lot to please them too. My culture back home was very . . . filial piety."

Alex laughed softly and leaned back in her chair. "Do you like to talk about back home?"

Kara looked up, those intense blue eyes so focused and so gorgeous. "I do," she said.

Alex settled in. "I'd like to hear it."

#

Kara told her all sorts of astonishing things about her home. No birds, a system of schooling very rigid and complex, a universal basic income structure, complicated by powerful families. A beautiful red light. A world that she longed for, but could never return to.

Alex shared what she could in return. Midvale and Mom and Dad. How she'd never noticed the pressure to be good until she'd stopped finding being good easy. How it felt to catch a wave, and the sound-not-sound a blow torch makes.

They talked until the cafe closed.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to keep you this long." Kara fished in her shoulder-bag and handed Alex a small insulated lunch box. "I don't-- know how to transport potential biohazards in a dignified way."

Alex laughed and peeked in. They were all sealed in contact lens cases. "Seems good." Then she looked up. She didn't want this to be over. "Do you want to-- to come back to the lab, and do the tests with me? No one will be there. It's a Friday night. Keep me company?"

Kara gave her a soft, curious look, and then nodded. "Sure. I'd like that."

The bus was mostly empty, but they ended up pressed together in a two-seater. Alex's leg was trapped awkwardly, but Kara's warmth was against her, and she didn't want to move. If she moved Kara might think she was uncomfortable and move away. But Kara's shoulder against hers, her hair catching on the zipper of Alex's coat, the way she cupped her hands around Alex's as she held her phone and scrolled through her books app and teased Alex gently about all of the scientific papers in there instead of fun books--it was the best bus ride Alex had had in her life.

Alex had written out a list of the different tests she wanted to do. She opened her laptop in the shadowy lab, the blue-light casting an alien glow over it. Kara peered over her shoulder as she made solutions and titrates and checked reactions. Sometimes Alex felt that she wished she could have been a chemist back before all of the elements had been identified, when fumbling tools were used to check the properties of solutions, and it was all a bit of an unknown world.

"That's why you're a xenobiologist," Kara said. "Because we're an unknown world?"

Alex looked back at her, her heart suddenly stopping in her chest. "Yeah," she said. "No," she said after that. "You're people. And that's-- a different kind of mystery."

What she'd said wasn't clear, she knew that. She couldn't figure out how to explain that it was a kind of mystery that was even more precious than being a rock hound exploring for undiscovered minerals. But it was so much more dangerous than undiscovered minerals too--even knowing that some of those minerals were radioactive.

"Okay," Alex said, typing the last few results into her spreadsheet. "From what I'm seeing here, it's . . . probably fine? The PH is a little basic, which might cause some issues with full penetration, but like, not much more than a penis. There aren't any toxic compounds. Not all of them are human compounds, but they're all on our bigger charts as inert. I suppose the next step is field testing."

Alex popped off the cap of the final contact container, stuck her thumb in it, and spread it across the inside of her forearm.

"What are you doing?!" Kara squeaked, and grabbed her arm, pulling it toward her with such force that Alex stumbled over her feet, losing her balance, and nearly crashing into Kara before she recovered.

"It's fine," Alex said. "I tested it."

They both stared down at her arm. There was no reaction to the blue smear, not even a rash.

"I respond worse to an old rug than to this," Alex said.

"It's really safe?" Kara's voice sounded small.

Alex looked up at her, wanting to give her the answer she wanted to hear, but knowing she couldn't say anything but the truth. "Yeah," she said. "It's safe."

". . . you have my sex fluids on your arm."

It should have been embarrassing, but Alex didn't feel embarrassed. Kara didn't look embarrassed either. Her eyes were sly and there was a teasing lilt in her voice. In the soft shadows of the lab, Alex just felt good, like she'd been able to do something to help. Like she mattered to Kara. "I hate to say it, but I did pay real money to watch you touch yourself."

Kara's answering grin was unbelievably sweet, her ears going pink, her eyes crinkling, and it just--

Alex put her hand on Kara's shoulder and pushed up on her toes to kiss her.

#


	4. Chapter 4

Alex, previously to now, had a method for kissing. When she knew she was going to get kissed, she would tense up really tight and defensive, and wait until the guy slammed into her face, and then she'd push back, firmly, so it would feel like kissing, and he wouldn't sense an opportunity to slip her his tongue. It was the same method when she kissed someone else, though that was a less frequent occurrence.

But that wasn't what she did here. Okay, it wasn't entirely not what she did here, but she panicked an inch away from Kara's mouth, and the tension dropped out, and so then it was more of a collision than anything else, soft lips and surprise. Kara's hand came up to cup the back of Alex's neck, and Kara went all soft under her, and Alex suddenly wanted to figure out how to get her tongue involved in this, because she tasted like sugar and secrets, not aftershave and barbecue potato chips, and Alex was willing to give it a college try, and then Kara's hand was against her shoulder and shoving her away.

Alex stumbled back, catching herself on the edge of a counter, suddenly doused with the realization of what she'd done as thoroughly as if she'd turned on the chemical spill shower. Kara'd gone limp. She hadn't kissed her back. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm--"

"No--" Kara put her face in her hands and then lifted it up and then put it in them again. "Don't be. Please."

"No, I don't know what I was  _ thinking _ . You're nice, and I'm such a fucking loser, and I messed up. I mean-- I'm your  _ audience _ . You want me far away at the other end of a screen, so I don't rub my fantasies all over you in person, and you trusted me enough to not do that--and seriously, I wasn't even sure I had fantasies? I've never been into a girl before. I've never been this into  _ anyone _ , and I--"

"Alex. Alex.  _ Alex _ . Shh."

Alex shushed. She'd always thought she was dignified and laconic, but no, she'd just never had any feelings before. Maybe she didn't like having feelings at all.

There was a brush of fingers on her cheek. Alex, unsure, lifted her head. Kara was looking at her and there was a kind of annoyed look on her face. Alex didn't know how to respond to that.

"Do you seriously not know how cute you are?" Kara asked, still sounding annoyed. "If I'd have been standing I'd have fallen over when you brought me that drink. And I didn't know it was  _ you _ . I mean, I already liked you. I don't DM with anyone else on the chat. And they don't send me cat pictures when they want me to feel better. And then you were cute too. And smart, and flirty. I definitely wanted you to kiss me."

Alex wasn't really understanding most of that. "You did?"

"I did. I just-- could you give me a little warning next time?" Kara ducked her head. "You know, alien. I don't want to squash you on accident."

Alex blinked at her. " _ Could _ you? You haven't talked about your strength."

"Oh," Kara said, then she nodded. "Definitely. Could break you like a twig."

An odd flush of warmth rose up through Alex. "Oh," she said. "That's--" There was no way to put words on that without sounding like an idiot. "Can I kiss you again?"

Kara went pink. "I thought that might be a dealbreaker too."

"I might just be . . . made for you," Alex said. So much for not sounding like an idiot.

Kara bit her lip, then sidled forward and put her hands on Alex's hips. "Okay."

They kissed again, tentative, brushing softly and briefly against each other's lips, and then a little longer, and then something hot and rough and wet rolled against Alex's lip, and--oh. Her knees buckled. Kara's hands didn't let her slip, and Alex held her around her neck and shoulders, and kept kissing the prettiest alien she'd ever seen.

#

"Would it be weird to ask you for your number?" Kara murmured softly in her ear when they'd paused to take a break and catch their breath.

"What? No. Of course you can have my number."

"Good." Kara was looking shy again, and Alex couldn't bring herself to look at anything besides her face.

"Why wouldn't I give you my number?"

"I dunno." Kara wouldn't look at her. "Some people, you know, they want to hook up, but then they get upset if I keep bothering them."

Alex flinched. She'd been that person sometimes. Not that she usually  _ wanted _ to hook up, but she was open to it, and it would happen, and then the guy would text her 'good morning :)' and she'd want to throw her phone out the window. And maybe, in retrospect, that was because she wasn't straight. She hadn't wanted those guys in the first place. But why would anyone not want Kara to text them?

"Bother me all you like."

Kara was smiling at her, shy but sort of happy, and Alex fumbled for her phone to make sure they got this done.

"I should let you go," Kara said softly.

"I--" Alex yawned in the middle of saying, 'I don't want you too.' "Maybe I should get some sleep."

"Me too."

They said goodbye outside Alex's building, and Kara disappeared into the night.

Alex got a text a moment later of a very smug little cat rolled on her back, showing off her belly. Alex texted her back a picture of an otter wearing glasses and a lab coat. She got a heart back. Alex sent a heart in response. Then there was a small war of hearts, and then, finally, a sleeping face, and Alex let the war end.

Maggie was most definitely asleep by now. Alex didn't care. She texted her a series of exclamation points that took up the whole screen.

A minute or so later, Maggie sent her a photo of a cake with an inscription on the top. "Congrats on the sex!"

Alex laughed a lot, sent a smiley face in response to the follow up message which was: 'Tell me all about it. IN THE MORNING.' And went to bed.

#

In the morning, Maggie brought her toast. "I would have brought the oven, but my funds don't stretch that far."

Alex blushed and invited her in, and they sat on Alex's sofa with coffee and Alex held her phone to her chest and texted back whenever Kara had a thought she wanted to share.

Alex had started the texting, waking up and unable to think about anything else. She'd checked her arm. Still no rash, and had texted that information to Kara right away.

"I mean, it's a terrible time, because she's just been fired, and I'm probably going to be kicked out of the program, but," Alex ducked her head and let her hair fall over her face. "I feel happy. And I don't think I've felt happy like this in years."

"I expect a thank you note," Maggie said, and then she wrapped a firm arm around Alex's shoulders, and pulled her in into a tight hug, and Alex hadn't realized she'd been feeling scared too until suddenly she felt safe. "Also, if you get booted, the forensics program would take you in a heartbeat."

Alex laughed. A cop. Her parents would  _ die _ .

They'd probably die to find out that she was dating an alien too. But . . . compared to getting kicked out of her program, that was  _ nothing _ .

#

Max kept coming around and offering to help with her project. Alex was pursuing a line of inquiry that might undermine the paper her advisor had thrown at her and so was ignoring him. She was sending Kara rambling messages about chemical composites, but Kara didn't seem to mind.

Then she found him reading her medical anthropology chapter. She'd printed it out in the department, and he was leaning against the copier, paging through it.

" _ Hey _ ."

"Oh, sorry. The first line caught my eye. It was really interesting." He smiled at her like he expected her to take it as a compliment.

"It's not relevant to anything you're working on," Alex said sharply, taking it from him. She turned to the door.

"Do you think people fuck aliens?" he asked.

Alex went still, suddenly feeling how close and small the copy room was. But the door was at her back. He wasn't between her and it. Small favors. She turned slowly. "If you actually read my chapter, you'd know that that question doesn't actually make any sense. Aliens are people, right? Do people fuck people? Of course."

Max laughed. "Cute," he said. "I love a little logical one-up-man-ship. But you know what I mean. Do humans have sex with aliens? Like, I know your paper is all about doctoring them, but what about 'playing doctor,' yeah?"

Alex felt on edge. Her teeth scraped against each other. Of course humans had sex with aliens. She was kind of looking forward to the possibility herself, though she tried not to think about it except in bed, because it made it hard to breathe or think or have a normal conversation. But the way Max was asking, the innocent curiosity, just a touch of being grossed-out, it made her angry, made her chest hurt and her hands ball into fists.

"How the fuck would I know?" Alex snapped, and then shoved her way out of the room.

She went into the women's bathroom and hid in a stall, pulling her feet up so no one would see her there. Then she cried. She'd fucked up. She knew she'd fucked up. But she didn't think she could have said anything else. So much for being open, for being good for Kara, if she couldn't even admit that this was a thing that happened.

She got a message from Max.

_ I'm so sorry if I made you uncomfortable. Can I make it up to you with dinner sometime? ;) _

She threw up.

#

"Are you out?" Alex asked Maggie, sliding into the seat across from her at the Alien bar. It didn't seem like a place Kara would frequent, but maybe she'd like it. Alex had carefully made a note of it in her file of 'things Kara might like.' Maggie had seen this file and laughed for a full five minutes, and then congratulated her on bringing all her organizational competence into her dating life.

"Ummm. Yes," Maggie said and held up her bag which was covered with a variety of rainbow colored pins. "I'm out at a twenty yard distance."

"No. Are you out with your . . . other sexuality."

Maggie looked confused, and then her mouth moved, gentle and mobile, and she sighed. She futzed through the pins and found one. It was next to another one Alex didn't recognize--black and blue stripes with a white stripe in the middle and a heart in the top left corner. This one was three colors, black with stars on the top two-thirds, then blue and green on the bottom. "Most people don't know what it means unless they're in the community. I don't broadcast it. But I don't hide it either."

"Do you have . . . another?"

Maggie was looking at her with an expression somewhere between kind and amused. "Ready to fly your xeno flag?"

Alex laughed abruptly and unpleasantly. "Well, no. That's the problem. I was talking to someone and when he asked about it, I couldn't even admit that it might happen. That sex with aliens is a thing humans might do."

"Even something you're thinking about doing."

"Thinking about a _ lot. _ "

Maggie laughed quietly. "Look, I want to lay this out for you. Shame sucks. I hate it. But you know something I like a lot? Safety. And not just yours. Theirs too. Your girl passes. And that's  _ important _ . If you go around mouthing off about your feelings about alien junk, that could get her targeted. Some day, sure, I want to live in a world where you can show off your hot alien girl and your trans girlfriend and be proud of it every day. But in National City you might be able to flash your rainbow pin on every street corner and feel safe--you're a cute white girl, you  _ are _ probably safe. But walking down the street while trans, brown, or visibly alien isn't so safe. I want you to be proud, to be comfortable with it, to not feel shame about it. But not being ashamed doesn't mean you owe any jackass honesty. Okay? It's okay to be careful."

Alex breathed out and tried to process this. Maggie rummaged in her bag.

"And here you go."

Alex took the pin and stared at it for a little while. So many stars. Then, carefully, she opened her black jean jacket and pinned it inside, just behind the chest pocket. Maggie nodded, approving.

Alex kept her hand over it, feeling it being there. She felt herself smile, and wasn't totally sure why. But maybe . . . maybe she felt like she knew a little more about who she was, and that was a good feeling.

"Xeno pride?" Maggie held up her hand.

Alex, blushing like crazy, gave her a high-five.

#

Dr Amphipoli, who, unlike Dr Farber, always read everything Alex sent her, gave Alex a suspicious scan when she came into her office for their meeting.

"You look . . . different. Less like a dying baby rabbit. Are things going better with your project?"

Alex's eyebrows shot up, and Dr. Amphipoli grinned and turned away. "Ah, so it's a girl."

The squeak that Alex let out was an embarrassing lack of denial.

But really, how had everyone figured out she was gay before she had?

#

Kara usually texted, so when Alex got a phone call on Friday afternoon, she picked it up immediately.

"Hello? Are you okay?"

"Oh--" Kara paused for a moment. "Yeah. Are you worrying about me?"

Her voice wasn't something Alex had really thought about before, but she'd hidden behind the sofa in the student lounge, and here, with Kara's voice in her ear, she decided that she really liked it.

"You don't usually call." Alex hesitated. "Not that I really have an idea of what counts as usually after like, three days."

Kara laughed. "Everything's fine, sorry for worrying you."

"How's the job search?"

"Awful." Kara sighed. "Doesn't matter. I actually wanted to talk to you about the stream tonight."

"Yeah? Are you feeling okay about it?"

Kara didn't respond for a moment, and then she seemed to sputter. "Me? I called to find out if  _ you _ were feeling okay about it?"

"Me? But you-- you weren't comfortable with showing yourself, and then that asshole is bullying you into doing even more than that. Are you sure it's fine? If you don't want to do it, I will yell at them until they shut up about it. I know you need the money, and I wish I  _ had _ any. Rent in NC is such bullshit."

"Truth." Kara was silent for a moment. "I'm fine. It's not . . . it's not my favorite thing, but I'm not weird about my body. I like camwork. I like to show off and be sexy for people. It makes them happy. And since, well, everyone left seems okay with the increased alien content, I'm fine with it. But what about you? My last boyfriend was not a fan of my cam channel, and that was before I ever took off my pants."

Alex felt her heart stop with that. "Am I-- am I your girlfriend?"

She realized then, that was the wrong takeaway from this utterance. 

Kara laughed. "Is  _ that _ what's worrying you?"

"No! I mean, it's been three days."

Alex could almost hear Kara's wry amused expression at her complete helplessness in the face of relationship garbage.

"How do you feel about the  _ stream _ ," Kara said, very slowly and clearly, which Alex . . . probably needed.

How  _ did _ she feel? Alex wondered. "I dunno," she said. "It's . . . complicated. I guess-- I guess I'm looking forward to it? Excited? A little scared? Is it okay if I watch? Would it be weird for me to be watching you?"

"You want a private show right now?" Kara's voice got dark and intense, and Alex heard the facetime chime.

"No!" Alex yelped. "I'm in the office."

She heard Kara laugh in her ear, bright and light in a way she hadn't been at the beginning of the call.

"You'll see me tonight, then."

"Yeah," Alex sighed. 

"I'll be thinking about you."

The low purr in Kara's voice made Alex buckle over her knees. The lounge was still quiet and dark, and Alex wished she hadn't been so quick to stop Kara from facetiming her. Still, having someone walk in on her with her hand down her pants in her lounge was not a great career move. She'd see Kara tonight.

#

Again Max tried to waylay her on the way out and invite her to dinner. "What are you doing?" he asked, when she said she had plans. 

"I'm seeing my girlfriend."

"Your . . . girlfriend?" Something ugly and cold happened to his mouth. "I didn't know you had a girlfriend, Danvers."

Alex pressed her hand against her chest where the xeno button was pinned. "It's kind of new."

"So you're bi? That's hot."

Alex had had enough of him. "Yeah, sure. No, I'm not into threesomes. Please let me go. I don't want to be late."

As she pushed past him, he grabbed her arm. She turned. He was studying her, his brows low over his eyes, his jaw taut, his grip hard enough to hurt. "You should be careful about flirting when you're taken. People might call that 'leading guys on.'"

Alex's face went hot, her breath coming quick and rough. Then he dropped her arm and walked away. Alex staggered back against the wall and pressed her hands to the cold painted breezeblocks. Fuck.  _ Fuckfuckfuck _ . "I never flirted with you," she hissed, but he was gone and couldn't hear.

#

Alex was late to the stream. She joined and Kara was talking casually to BarryA, and scanning the name list worriedly.

Kara: (to NotDrAlex only) You're here! Is everything okay?

NotDrAlex: Yeah, I just got waylaid on the way out of the office

Kara: and you're sure you're cool?

Alex felt tears well up in her eyes. This wasn't fair. She didn't want Kara to be concerned about her. She didn't want to be weak, or a bad girlfriend, or to need anyone or anything. She wanted to be able to find this sexy and fun. But her body had released adrenaline like whoa when Max had grabbed her arm, and she just wanted to cry and be held for a little while.

NotDrAlex: I love you.

Kara's reaction to that message was vivid and visible. Her eyes went wide, her mouth dropped open. And then her cheeks darkened like she'd seen something very dirty but very pleasing.

BarryA: Are you okay, Kara?

Kara coughed, and puffed air out. "I, yeah. I'm fine. Just an email I wasn't expecting. All good though." She bit her lip and looked directly at the camera. "It was really nice to hear."

Alex curled up on her sofa and just watched Kara, loving the way she moved with a lightness that showed her strength, the way her hair shifted over her shoulders like silk, her smile and her generous laugh.

(777Mephisto has joined the chat.)

777Mephisto: Let's get this show on the road!

Kara turned, twisting her body to show her ass and her smile all at once, and swayed her hips teasingly. "I'm ready."

A message showed up on Alex's screen.

Kara: (to Alex only) Love you too.

This was different than before. Facing away from the camera, Kara grasped the back of her shirt and drew it off over her head, exposing an expanse of beautiful back. Then she drew down her jeans. In her bra and boyshorts she settled back on her bed, crosslegged, elbows on her knees, chin in her hands. She contemplated the camera with a dark gaze, her hair cascading all the way to her lap, and then drew her teeth over her lower lip, making it red and plump, licking it and then doing the same to her upper lip.

Alex felt the adrenaline and the misery start to slip away. She breathed again and brought the computer closer on her knees.

NotDrAlex: I could stare at your mouth for hours.

WinSloW: Seconded.

Kara arched her back, pushing her hand through her hair, and one stroking across her bare stomach. She spread her knees and shifted her hips as she stroked over the boy-shorts, and they saw the tell-tale twitch.

Alex felt time slow and shift around her and she focused on nothing but the way Kara's eyes fell shut as she wrapped her hand around herself, dragged her fingertips over the back, bit her lip when she touched the inside. Every move, every response was vivid and inscribing itself in her head.

Next time. Next time Alex wanted it to be her hand. Next time, she wanted Kara to be with her.

#


	5. Chapter 5

Alex's parents called her the next day while she was out shopping with Maggie. Alex had many reservations about shopping with Maggie, but Maggie always looked really good, and didn't look like she was trying too hard either. She'd suggested the black denim jacket which Alex now wore all the time, so it was probably fine. Right now Maggie was making Alex try on every cut of jeans they had in the place and was disapproving them all. Alex was struggling into a low-rise athletic-cut men's skinny jean when her phone rang and she picked it up without checking in case it was Kara.

"Hello?"

"Well, that's the most excited you've been to hear from us in a while," Eliza joked, and Alex's gut went tight. Thinking about Kara, worrying about Kara, had been an amazing distraction from the slow collapse that was her thesis. But it wasn't like she could tell her parents--it's okay that my research is falling apart. I met this girl.

"It's always great to hear from home."

Eliza laughed.

"That's what I like to hear, Doc," Jeremiah chimed in. The uncomfortable clench every time he called her that was strong.

"Hi Dad."

"How are things going?"

"Oh, good. I'm hanging out with my friend Maggie--"

"How is your  _ program? _ " Eliza clarified.

"Fine," Alex lied.

"We've got news!" Dad said.

"Yes, you know we proposed that panel for the xenobiology conference at NCU, and they accepted? It's coming up, just next week, so we've made hotel reservations and we want to make plans. We'll be coming down to see you." Alex froze. "I told Dr. Farber already and he's looking forward to catching up."

Oh god.

"And we can take you out to dinner," Dad chimed in. "You and your friends. Maggie? And--"

"Oh, who was that nice boy we met when we were dropping you off. Max--"

"Kara," Alex interrupted. "I want you to meet my friend Kara."

"That sounds great, Doc," Dad said.

"Mmm," said Eliza. There was a suggestiveness to her tone that left Alex's gut cold. Was her  _ mom _ one of the zillions of people who'd guessed she was gay? God, she hoped not.

She said goodbye and stepped out of the changing room. Maggie glanced up from a rack of shirts. "Those are sweet! Good pick, if I must congratulate myself."

"My parents are coming to town."

Maggie looked at her face. "Shit," she said, helpfully.

#

Alex showed up for her date with Kara in the new jeans and a black t-shirt with stars on it under her denim jacket, signaling the xeno flag without broadcasting it, and, according to Maggie, looking super hot, like someone who would indeed bone a camgirl.

Alex did not approve of this description, but she didn't mind hopefully looking good, since Kara looked great in sweatpants and a holey tee.

Kara was not in sweatpants and a holey tee. Kara was in a plaid button down and khakis and actually gawped at Alex as she got off the bus.

"What?" Alex knew her face was red.

"I keep forgetting how pretty you are," Kara said. "I mean, I  _ like _ you, but--" she flapped her hands. "All this is a lot!"

Alex just grinned like an idiot and stepped in and Kara tugged her jacket lapels and admired her shirt, and then kissed her, and felt her ass while she kissed her, and Alex's ears were burning, but she'd been so anxious about this date and it had started off very well.

It continued pretty well. There was hand holding and a walk around a small man-made lake. There was ice cream. Kara had an interview coming up.

Then things went quiet for a bit and they both started talking at once.

"My parents are coming to town--" "Will you be on the stream with me this week--"

Alex froze. "What?"

Kara's eyes were wide. "What?"

Alex swallowed hard. "You go first."

Kara gave her a strange look, almost distrustful. She shifted her weight and crossed her arms over her chest. "So-- I know this is-- weird. But I don't really want to invite anyone else on the stream. I'm fine with showing things to people, but I don't want someone to touch me who I don't . . . trust. And Mephisto--" Kara clenched her hands into fists and stared down at the ground. "I've been DMing him and he won't release the payment until I've done the first two, and I'm behind on my rent, and the landlord is--"

"Hey, hey." Alex lifted her chin. "Look at me. Yeah. Of course. I'll be on your stream. It's just, you know, messing around a little, right? I can do that for you."

Kara went still. "You're serious. You're okay with doing that?"

This was important. Alex could see that, even if she didn't really know why. She didn't know what the right answer was either. Carefully, Alex took her coat by the lapel and flashed the pin hidden under there. "Gotta build up my xeno cred, right?"

Kara stepped back, clearly startled and a little confused. "What?"

Alex put up her hands. That had gone poorly. "I just-- I'll do it for you. If you need it, I can do it for you. I mean, you could move in-- no that's creepy. I'm sorry."

"You're sure? You'd have to touch . . . me."

Alex's stomach swooped at the idea. She swallowed hard, but nodded. "I want to," she said. "I mean, you have to know I want to." She was sure her cheeks had gone embarrassingly pink. "I'm . . . interested. You know. For science."

Kara laughed softly. "Sure,  _ science _ ." But she gazed out at the lake, seeming a little sad. 

She'd said something wrong. Alex was sure she'd said something wrong, but she didn't know what. "Do you . . . want me to be on the stream?"

Kara started a little and looked back at her, then gave an awkward half smile as she spoke. "I mean,  _ I _ asked you--"

"But-- do you want me to? Not do you need me too. I think that part is clear. Is it too soon?"

"It's not that." Kara petted her cheek lightly, and Alex felt her ears heat up again. "I could spend some time with you tonight if you wanted. I just--" She hesitated and drew back. "I really like you, Alex. I like you a  _ lot _ . But I can't help but worry that this is all too much too fast. And I don't . . . I don't want to fall."

"What do you mean, fall?"

Kara looked away. "I dunno."

It felt bad, to know that Kara was scared of her. And worse, Alex didn't know what to do about it. She didn't know how to reassure her. In some ways she didn't know if she  _ should _ . Talking to Maggie about how out she ought to be was a reminder that she  _ didn't _ know that much about any of this. Alex hadn't been in relationships before--especially not ones that mattered like Kara mattered. She didn't know how to play it cool, or do the things that would make Kara feel safe and comfortable around her. What happened when Alex got scared and fucked up? What if she asked for more than Kara was ready for? Would Kara go along with it even if it made her uncomfortable? Maybe Alex needed to take a step back, slow it down.

"What were you going to ask me?"

"Oh." Alex looked at her, at the pretty girl, fiddling with her glasses, her shoulders just a little bent. "Nothing. It doesn't matter." 

"Oh," Kara said, a quiet resignation in her voice.

Then Alex could think of nothing more to say, just the empty phrase 'too much too fast' pounding over and over again in her head. Finally she dredged something up. "You look hungry. Do you want to get something more to eat?"

Kara gave her a searching look, and then nodded. "There's a good taco truck near here."

"That sounds awesome."

Alex pushed down her hurt feelings and her scared feelings and her uncomfortable feelings and they continued on the date, then kissed slowly on a park bench as Kara counted the stars on her t-shirt with her fingertips.

And then Alex went home and clutched her pillow into her face and tried to force out all of her fears and sad feelings. She wanted to feel good. She wanted to be happy that Kara liked her, was willing to take a risk on her. But she knew herself. She was going to ruin it, and she couldn't bear that. She couldn't bear to ruin things with Kara.

#

Alex texted Kara the next day to tell her that she was going to be really busy this week trying to get her thesis back on track, but that she'd see her the day of streaming. Kara texted confirmation and well-wishes, and then nothing.

Nothing.

Work felt even harder without being able to chat with Kara. And that meant it was hard to think, hard to read. She had so much to do, but she found herself staring out the window for an hour, not even noticing the time passing, just wondering what Kara was doing, and wondering if she'd text her. The longer it got since their last text, the harder breaking silence was. Alex was sick with the empty phone and her impending doom.

Finally, Wednesday at 3am, when she was finally dragging herself to bed, Alex stared at the 'good luck' on her phone.

'Goodnight xxx,' she typed quickly, and hit send.

Then she waited.

'Goodnight <3' she got back, and she held onto her phone the entire night.

#


	6. Chapter 6

The morning of the stream Alex got a text from her mom, saying they'd be arriving tomorrow evening, and could take her out to dinner that night, if she and her friends were free. They could meet in the department lounge before heading out, since they were going for coffee with Dr Farber that afternoon. Alex cringed and quickly texted Maggie, receiving an ok hand in response. Kara . . . she didn't know. But she'd see her tonight. If tonight went well, she'd ask her then. It was still probably soon, but it was just dinner, and Maggie would be there too.

She texted Kara. "Is there anything I need to do ahead of time? What should I wear?"

"Something comfortable that you don't mind getting dirty," Kara texted back.

"I'm looking forward to seeing you."

There wasn't a response for a while, and suddenly Alex realized how that might be read in context.

"NOT IN A DIRTY WAY! JUST YOUR FACE. AND YOU KNOW. THE REST OF YOU USUALLY VISIBLE IN YOUR PRESENCE!"

Kara sent her back a bunch of laughing faces.

"I'm looking forward to seeing you too."

#

Alex had no idea what to wear, so she tried on nearly everything she had, and settled on black leggings and a black shirt and black boots and maybe looked a bit like a secret agent, which was embarrassing. She'd never been to Kara's place before, and she kicked herself the whole way there on the bus. She should have had a chance to go over there before, to maybe watch a movie or something on Kara's bed. But no, her anxiety had made her nearly cut off all contact for the week, and she was going to do this for the first time on camera.

This was a mistake. It was a mistake. A mistake. Such a fucking mistake.

But if she turned around now she'd disappoint Kara, and that would be the worst.

She got off the bus on a street of big apartment blocks that likely had been built in the eighties, when ugly was fashionable. She checked the numbers, the night unseasonably cold, and found the right vestibule. Then she buzzed up.

"Um, hey?"

"Alex?"

"Yeah, it's me."

She got buzzed in and then started up the stairs to the fifth floor. The elevator was out of order and she was a little sweaty by the time she got there. She found the door and then glanced around the yellowish linoleum hallway and felt her palms sweat. Steeling herself, she knocked.

The door opened. Kara stepped out into the hall, half closing the door behind her. "Hi," she said, sounding a little helpless.

"Hi," Alex said. She didn't know if she sounded much better, but Kara had her hair down and was wearing sweatpants and a soft-looking, well-worn t-shirt, and Alex wanted to wrap her arms around her and hunch her shoulders up as if she had some sort of protective carapace, and just hold on.

A small, earnest, nervous smile teased the corner of Kara's mouth. "You came."

"I thought I was supposed to say that later tonight."

Kara stared at her, and Alex blushed. That had been totally inappropriate. But then Kara's eyes crinkled up. "Come here, you dork." She tugged Alex in and kissed her.

It was thrilling and exciting, of course. But as Alex traded kisses back and forth, she couldn't help thinking it was strange, how it felt not just like something new and unbelievable, but also like home.

Suddenly she understood what Kara had meant when she said 'too much too fast' and that she didn't want to fall. But Alex wasn't scared of those feelings. No one was more worth the risk than Kara. It was easy to know what to do.

"Hey," she said, breaking the kiss and meeting Kara's clear blue gaze directly and certainly. "Are you free tomorrow night. I have-- something to ask you, about it, afterwards."

Kara tipped her head quizzically, just a little, and then gave her the softest tiny smile. "You still want to see me tomorrow? Not a one-and-done?"

Alex blinked. "What? Of  _ course  _ I want to see you tomorrow. Also, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be a huge embarrassment tonight, so the real question is if  _ you'll _ still want to see me tomorrow."

"I'll want to see you tomorrow." Kara's voice was a little growly and wry. "Ask me now."

"After," Alex said. "This is . . . work, kind of. I've got to try to be cool. I can let myself be very uncool when it's just us."

Kara watched her steadily for a long moment, like she was trying to read every thought and intent in Alex's head. Alex let her. She didn't have anything to hide.

"Yeah," Kara said. "Work first."

She slid her hand into Alex's, squeezed it, and then drew Alex inside.

#

Once inside, Kara dropped her hand and ducked away, and Alex took a look around the apartment. There wasn't much to see, as it was one room, with a sink and one plug-in electric stovetop burner on the counter, a bathroom, which was painfully clean, but also old, with rusty fixtures and disintegrating grout. Alex's graduate student housing wasn't much, but it was better than this.

"I got this for you," Kara said, coming back. Her cheeks were a little flushed, and she held up a black ribbon.

"What is it?" Alex asked, feeling a little stupid generally.

Kara held it up and tied it around her face, then she tugged Alex into the bathroom. Alex caught sight of herself in the mirror. It was a mask.

"I'm really grateful you're willing to do this with me, and I'm not going to let you sabotage your career."

Alex hadn't even thought about it really. She'd been too anxious about 'too much too fast.' "Not much to sabotage," she said.

Kara gave her a stern look. "So you didn't actually work on your research all week?"

Alex flushed. "No, I did! Actually--" she considered it. "I think I made some good progress. I hope Dr. Farber thinks so too."

"You sent him something?"

Alex nodded. Kara squealed and hugged her. "Good for you."

It did feel good, and it felt better to be able to prove that she hadn't just been wasting time ignoring Kara.

"And how was your week? Did that interview go okay?"

Kara nodded, her cheeks going pink. "They called me back for a second one."

"What? That's great!" Alex hugged Kara back as hard as she could. Laughing, Kara picked her up and spun her around once before depositing her on the floor.

"Oh, shit, it's almost time. I'm going to log onto the chat."

As Kara set up her laptop, Alex took one more glance in the mirror. The mask wouldn't do much for anyone who knew her, but it would probably stop people from spotting her in the street. That was good. And Mephisto had asked only for someone to touch Kara, so Alex could stay fully clothed and disguised. All she had to do was please Kara. Panicked internal laughter filled her head. Oh, that would be easy. No problems at all.

When Alex peeked her head out of the bathroom, she spotted the camera and the lighting set up, and proceeded to freak out more. There was a line of tape on the floor that Alex realized marked where the eye of the camera ended. She would be out of sight even if she stepped back into the room. But the thought of crossing the threshold was overwhelming. She stepped back into the bathroom, put her hands on the sink, and tried to breathe.

"Hey."

Alex looked up. Kara was in the doorway, watching her in the mirror. Alex straightened up and turned around. "I'm sorry," she said. "I'm kind of freaking out about this, but I'll get through it. I'm here. I'm here for you."

"What's freaking you out?" Kara asked softly. "Being on camera? Touching something alien and gross?"

"What?  _ No _ ." But why  _ were _ they doing this for the first time on camera? All of Alex's hesitations, any mistakes she made, they'd all be recorded, put on display. And if she screwed this up-- "I don't want to screw this up," she said. "I don't want to touch you wrong, or like you don't like. This is supposed to be smooth and for show, but I don't-- I don't know even what I'm allowed to touch."

Kara watched her for a moment and then moved towards her. She took Alex's hands.

"Everywhere you've touched me before is fine," she said and placed Alex's hands on the sides of her chest and then slid them down. "This is fine--and has been fine, you're just polite." She slid Alex's hands around to her butt, and Alex felt her cheeks glow like blown coals. Kara laughed. "Come on, grab my butt, or you aren't going to have the balls to grab my arral and that's kind of the point of tonight."

Alex, her hands clasped helplessly around the curves of Kara's ass, gaped. "Arral? Is that what it's called?"

Kara looked startled. "I-- yes.  _ Arral _ ."

She had a little roll to her tongue, a little length to the second vowel, and Alex frowned and said it herself. "Arrraal."

Suddenly, Kara started giggling.

"What? Was it that bad?"

"No! No, it was good. But it's like-- it's like the first word you taught someone in English was 'penis' and you're just standing around saying it over and over again. Penis. 'Peeenis.'"

Alex snorted and fell against her. They laughed shoulder to shoulder for a moment.

"What's a better thing to say?" Alex asked. "What's hello?"

Kara hesitated, and then she smiled. " _ Erosh ḅem _ ," she said softly.

It didn't look like it meant something as simple as 'hello.' So Alex took a breath, looked her deep in the eyes, and said it back.

It hung in the air for a moment, and Kara who'd left her arm propped on Alex's shoulder, slowly traced her fingertips up and down the back of Alex's neck. Alex felt her mouth grow strangely tart and swallowed. If there were any problems tonight, it wasn't because she didn't want Kara. The problem might be that she wanted Kara too much.

"Any time you get uncomfortable, just say so, and we'll stop the stream, okay?"

Alex nodded.

"You ready?"

Alex nodded again. "Yeah," she said. "I'm ready to go."

Kara headed to her computer and Alex finally left the bathroom. She stood in the margin of the room behind the tape, took off her jacket and folded it over a chair.

"Hi everyone!" The little green light showed that Kara had turned on the webcam. The laptop sat open on the desk, a USB leading to a bigger external camera that had a shotgun mic on top. Two worklights were set up on either side, illuminating the bed in a warm glow. It was a nice set up, though not a particularly expensive looking one. Every few moments Alex heard a soft chime, and she frowned, then realized the chimes signaled token donations.

"So, tonight, I have a bit of a surprise for you," Kara said, and she glanced over at Alex, seeking confirmation. She seemed a little nervous, so Alex smiled back, pretending more confidence than she felt. "I had to have my . . . fluids tested to make sure they were safe for humans to come in contact with, and, as you know, NotDrAlex is a bit of an amazing scientist, so I had her test them, and actually she's here to tell you about the results."

Kara was giving her another out, another chance to back away and save face. But Alex didn't need it. She'd been the person on the other side of the screen, watching Kara give them a show, and now she was on this side. Sure, she was the show, but she felt that she didn't really have a right to be embarrassed about this. This was what she'd  _ wanted _ , what she'd thought about. She had to show Kara her appreciation.

She stepped out into camera view and waved, feeling awkward, and hoping it didn't look quite as awkward. She glimpsed words shifting on the screen but the chat box was very small and she had to squint to see them. Kara apparently had excellent eyesight.

Suddenly, the computer was chiming and the token count in the corner increased by bounds.

WinSloW: FUCK. @NotDRAlex is a hottie? That's just _irritating_. If I'd known, I would have had fantasies prepared.

"Hey," Kara said. "Alex is new to this. Be nice."

LARGAND: PUSSY!

Kara put her face in her hands, but Alex laughed. She'd been hanging out with these idiots for months. She gave them all a double middle fingers.

BarryA: Yass, queen! (not Barry ;) )

Alex blew Barry's fiancée a kiss.

Kara had peeked up again, and she was grinning. "You want to tell them about the results?" she asked Alex. The mad chiming had died down, but every few seconds there was another.

Alex shrugged. With the mask, with Kara so close, she felt brave. She'd wanted to be here, with Kara, so much, and now she was. And strangest of all, Kara liked her. Kara wanted her here. How could she be uncomfortable about this? "Results are good." She let her hand cup the back of Kara's arm and run down it. "Safe to touch."

Kara looked at her, her lips a little parted, as if her words had been stolen by a particularly clever thief. Once more the chimes exploded.

BarryA: HOLY CRAP, ARE YOU DATING?:tada::tada::tada:tada:

777Mephisto: Who the fuck cares if they're dating. I want to see the xeno slut play with that xeno cock.

Alex flinched and took a step back. She'd been fine until he'd spoken. She would have been fine. But she wasn't fine now. She was going to be sick.

The chimes stopped flat, but the chat swarmed with messages.

BarryA: Hey, man. What the fuck?

WinSloW: Alex is one of us! Don't you dare say that shit about one of us!

"Hey," Kara said softly. "Are you okay? We can shut it down if you want. You don't have to do this. I'll just go solo again."

But that just made Alex angry. Kara wasn't  _ surprised _ about this. She was used to people calling her names and insulting the people she was with because she was an alien. She was used to people being into her because they were aroused by being grossed out. She was used to showing people all of herself and having them turn away. She was used to being on her own.

Alex shook her head. "I'm here for you, with you. Just-- tell me what to do."

Kara gave her a tiny smile. "Why don't you go sit on the bed?"

Alex nodded and moved over there, then took off her boots. Kara faced the camera and spoke softly to them.

"Alex has very kindly volunteered to do this for me. I hope you'll be as generous to her as you've been to me."

Alex could imagine the responses. LARGAND: I VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE, WinSloW: If I'd known you were picking one of us, I wouldn't have been so certain it should be a girl! She didn't want to think about 777Mephisto's response though. Even wondering what it might be made her sick. Maybe he wouldn't respond. Maybe he'd be silent the whole time, his handle lit up to show he was present, but not saying a word.

Alex missed whatever happened next, because Kara was suddenly on the bed beside her, touching her leg gently and encouraging her to move around a little so they were side on with the camera. She'd slipped out of her sweatpants and just wore her cute royal blue boycut underwear and the soft t-shirt that clung to her curves.

"Hey," Kara said softly to her, leaning in, pressing her forehead against Alex's. Surrounded by her, by her scent, her nearness, Alex relaxed. "Are you all right?" Kara asked. Her blue eyes were full, glistening. She was afraid. Alex didn't want her to be afraid. Alex fought her way back up out of the tangles in her mind and leaned in. She caught Kara's lower lip between her teeth for a moment, and then drew back. Kara's eyes were wide, her cheeks a little pink. In the background, Alex heard the chimes from donations. So they'd liked that. It looked like Kara had liked that too. This was okay. Alex could do this.

Alex nodded. "I'm not promising I won't screw up, but they can say what they want. I just want to be with you." She bumped her forehead against Kara's lightly. "Let's give them a show."

Then she kissed her. She kissed her and kissed her, Kara kissing her back. The presence of the camera felt like a looming collapsing building in the room, but Alex couldn't focus on that, couldn't make that the important thing. She needed to make sure that Kara was okay. She needed Kara to feel safe with her, for her to not feel like any part of her was unwanted.

Kara had said she was allowed to touch her, so Alex let her hand slide down Kara's side, then rub across her belly. She'd watched Kara do this for herself closely enough that she thought she knew what she liked, and with the way Kara was just, in the tiniest, gentlest of movements, rolling her hips into the mattress, it seemed to be working. The way the tempo of the chimes increased was like another cue, they could see Kara's body, see the way her hands clutched at the blankets, or the way her back relaxed, and it was another way for Alex to tell if this was working. She'd never tried to arouse someone before, and she worried that actively trying might be counterproductive, but she had evidence and feedback, and she could make a plan.

She moved to straddle Kara's lap, lean down to kiss her again and bite at her lower lip. Between their thighs, Alex could see the flicker in her undershorts. She settled back a little and slid her hand down between them, over the crotch of Kara's shorts and she felt the flex of the arral rub against the palm of her hand.

Kara gasped into her mouth, then looked up at her, eyes so wide and scared, and Alex did her best to show herself as strong and big and unafraid. "Is this okay?" Alex murmured.

Kara nodded. "You can-- you can have more, if you want."

Alex swallowed down the saliva that filled her mouth, scrunched down the waistband of Kara's undershorts, and slid her hand down.

The arral, moist and lithe and hot but leaving a cool trail of liquid behind, squirmed into her hand, and Kara threw her arms around Alex's shoulders, holding on tight. She tucked her face tucked into Alex's shoulder, and Alex buried her own nose into Kara's neck.

With the twist of the arral in her bare hand, Alex forgot entirely about the camera, the chiming of token donations became whitenoise. She forgot about her nerves, her fears, her incompetence. All she could do was feel it. The arral was slick and  _ soft _ in a way she hadn't expected. The streak of blue on Alex's hand tingled slightly but not in a worrying way, and Alex closed her eyes, rubbing her thumb up the ridged side of the arral.

Alex drifted in time, losing all sense of anxiety and self-consciousness to touch. The outside of Kara's arral was soft and sleek, animal and alive. She wondered if it was furred, but it was hard to tell with the fluid that coated it. Still, definitely stroking one way made Kara purr, and the other made her squirm and whatever the surface was--it flared into a rough texture. The inside absorbed her fingers in delicious viscosity. Jelly-like cilia swayed and shifted around her fingertips. Kara's arms stayed firm around her shoulders, her head on Alex's shoulder, and Alex used the soft gasps and the little whimpers to guide her.

Alex hadn't realized she was speaking until her tongue started to get numb, but she was: " _ You're beautiful, you're beautiful, you're beautiful,"  _ murmured on repeat into meaninglessness. Kara turned her face into Alex's neck and kissed her there, soft and slow and wet. Alex had found a way to turn her hand, the arral wrapping around it, that stroked and soothed and parted the folds of it, and it gripped her hard, asking for tighter pressure, more stimulation, and Alex gave it.

Her own chest was tight. She squirmed against her own heel. She'd worried about her own reaction, whether her attraction would stand up to this, but Maggie had been right. Give yourself time to get past the strange, and the attraction was right there. She was more attracted, more aroused in this situation than she'd ever been before. It didn't really matter what the arral was like, it was part of Kara, and she valued it because she could use it to make Kara respond. But also-- it  _ was _ interesting. It was beautiful. Strange and unlike anything on earth, and so wonderful because of that. But maybe anything would be wonderful if it was Kara's.

Kara's hands tightened their grip on the back of her shirt, almost ripping it. She was panting roughly, her arral tensing and quivering. Alex's chest was unfamiliarly tight. Her breath was loud in her ears, and she rocked against Kara's hard thigh, almost frantic. Then, with her hand, she gave one slow, twisting stroke, and the arral arched, it snaked up under the hem of her shirt and licked up her stomach like a long liquid tongue, and Alex gasped. Was this-- She felt herself peak like she'd only ever done with her own hand down her pants, Kara on the screen. Oh.  _ Oh. _

Kara collapsed onto the bed, going limp and shaking a little. Her arral retracted. Alex gasped, planting her hands on the bedspread, half buckled over her. She had blue smeared across her belly and all over one hand. She'd made Kara come. She'd come herself.

The intensity of the chiming brought her back to the room, to the presence of the camera. Kara was limp and dazed, so, shaky-legged, Alex got up off the bed and walked over to the camera.

The number of tokens was big, but she couldn't really parse it, nor could she read any of the comments. So she smiled weakly into the lens, waved, and then turned it off. She shut the laptop too, not bothering to try to figure out how to log out, and went back to the bed.

She climbed back on and curled around Kara, stroking her hair with her clean hand and resting her head on her arm, with Kara tucked into her chest. Kara blinked up at her, eyes blue and hazed and vulnerable. "You're okay?" Kara asked softly. "You're okay with me?"

"Yeah," Alex said. She let her hand curl around Kara's ass. It still felt a little forbidden, but she liked doing it. She liked doing everything with Kara. "I really-- I like it. I like  _ you _ ."

Kara nuzzled her shoulder. Alex curled a hand around her neck and let her thumb stroke along her jawline. "Do you want to . . . Do you want to come to dinner with me and Maggie and my parents tomorrow night?"

The words hung in the air, and Alex waited, her stomach in knots. Kara hadn't wanted to go too fast, but maybe-- maybe now that they'd cleared this hurdle it would be okay. And Alex didn't want to not invite her. Not inviting her was worse.

"I get to meet Maggie?" Kara asked, her voice still soft and a little tired, but pleased.

"Is that what you're excited about?" Alex asked. "I don't talk about her  _ that _ much."

Kara laughed and squirmed up to put her head on Alex's shoulder. "You know, I've never really met someone's friends--or their parents."

"You . . . you haven't?"

"It's just, either someone is with me because I'm an alien, and once they sate their curiosity, they're done. Or someone is with me in spite of the fact that I'm an alien, and once they realize what it means that I'm an alien, they're done."

"Is that what you were scared of?"

"I'm still scared," Kara said softly. "But I'm not scared of you."

#


	7. Chapter 7

They laid there that night, half merged together, Alex's hands splaying over soft skin, Kara's fingers teasing and clever. They touched for hours, then they dozed, and then, though Alex hadn't intended to stay over, they slept.

In the morning, Kara had to get ready for her interview, so Alex helped her pick an outfit (fine, she texted Maggie the options and Maggie picked the outfit) and kissed her goodbye . . . then kissed her goodbye . . . then kissed her . . . then fell against the door, and kissed her again, and then finally kissed her goodbye and caught the bus back to campus.

It had been such a good morning, Alex had forgotten all about the camshow.

At least she'd forgotten until it was almost evening and time to meet her parents, and she quickly went to check her email.

It was filled with 500 new messages, all from the same address--777Mephisto@protonmail.com and all with the same subject line:

yOU SHOULD HAVE SUCKED MY GODDAMN DICK, BITCH

#

The panic attack made it hard to breathe. Alex sucked on air and clung to the desk and once she could breathe in long gasping sobs, she cried. She wanted to text Kara, but she couldn't. Kara would think this was her fault. How had 777Mephisto gotten this email address? Had she been doxxed on the chat?

Finally, shaking and miserable, she logged back on to the camsite, but there was nothing in the chat that suggested anyone knew or even wondered who she was. In fact, the record of messages was mostly positive.

WinSloW: I didn't realize how glad I'd be that it's one of us. I'd hate watching some jackass manhandle her.

BarryA: It's cute how into each other they are.

BarryA: (Not Barry) this is definitely lady-oriented porn.

Alex doublechecked the emails and realized they'd been sent to the fake email she'd opened the camsite with. She guessed she had set up forwarding.

Okay. It was just an asshole on the internet. It was fine.

But she was still shaky as she showered and dressed for dinner and then headed to her building to meet her parents outside Dr Farber's office. Maggie was there already, sitting in the lounge on the back of the sofa, swinging her legs, and talking to a pretty blonde-- to Kara. They were laughing, and when Alex walked in, they both looked over quickly, guilty.

It was suspicious, but it was also such a relief to see them both. "What were you talking about?"

"Just whether your scientist qualities make you a better girlfriend," Maggie said, and Kara went pink.

She was in a cardigan, nice blouse and pencil skirt, and she looked fully wholesome and the sort of girl even another girl wouldn't be afraid to take home.

"Were you telling her about my list?" Alex asked.

"That, and about how meticulous you are as an  _ explorer _ ."

Alex realized what they'd been talking about, went red, and both Kara and Maggie laughed and laughed. She should have known that letting Kara meet Maggie was the worst idea ever.

And yet, she was really glad she done it. She wasn't scared of dinner with her parents for once. She was proud to show off her friends. And she wasn't afraid of what Dr Farber would say. She'd come up with a solution to her problem. She was fine.

Maggie was telling dumb alien jokes, and Kara was giggling and had her fingers tangled into Alex's which was making Alex giggly too.

She heard Dr Farber's door open and shut, and looked up, smiling. "Hey! Mom, Dad. This is Maggie, and this is Kara--"

And then she saw their faces.

Eliza's eyes flicked quickly to Kara, to Maggie, then back, her brows furrowed, but there was no emotion in it, just raw intelligence, putting things together. But Dad--

He couldn't look at her.

Alex closed her hand around Kara's, swiftly, tightly. She was calculating too, guessing, seeing the threat, and the one thing she knew she couldn't do was let go of Kara's hand. She'd screwed up enough with the not talking to her. If she let go of Kara's hand now--

Dr Farber had come out with them.

"Maybe," he said, in his stern, unpleasant voice, "you should come into my office for a moment, Ms Danvers."

Ms Danvers did not want to go into his office.

"Alex," Kara said softly. Her own grip was tight, achingly tight, like it might snap bone, and Alex didn't want her to ease up at all. But this was Alex's problem. She had to go.

"I'm sorry," Alex replied. "I'll text you, okay? Mags, can you-- Buy her dinner, okay? I'll pay you back."

"Sure, Alex," Maggie said. She sounded very wary, and Alex remembered how she'd described it once when her parents threw her out. How it was clear that they hadn't quite decided what to do with her yet, and then they'd talked themselves into it, and that was her life.

This was going to be Alex's life.

As she walked into Dr Farber's office, flanked on each side by her parents, she spotted Max, just leaning against the doorjamb of the grad offices, watching, his face coolly expressionless.

Ah. 777Mephisto. It all made sense now. Max hadn't been able to deal with the fact that she was more interested in something else than him. He had to know what that something else was, and then he had to hurt her with it.

It made sense. And it made Alex's fear disappear.

It made her fucking angry.

#

Alex sat in the chair across from her advisor's desk, where she'd sat so many times when he'd told her she was stupid, when he'd been disappointed, been too bored to even finish reading what she'd sent him. Mom leaned against the doorjamb. Dad stood with his mouth tight, staring in the direction of the window. He still wouldn't look at her.

She hadn't expected that. He was a xenobiologist. Even if he was embarrassed to have seen what he must have seen, even if he thought she was dumb for trusting to the anonymity of the internet, the fact that he couldn't look at her made it feel like something bigger than that, worse than that. It made her shaky and scared.

"There are certain levels of dignity that we require of our students in this department," said Dr Farber. She didn't care. She knew what this was--it was an excuse.

Then, like a sputtering engine, starting up with revs and sparks, words flooded from Dad's mouth, quick and unforgivable. "I can't believe this, Alex. And you brought it here. Like it's your girlfriend or something."

Mom didn't say anything.

That was the weirdest part. Mom always had something to say.

Alex took a slow breath. "She is my girlfriend."

Dad laughed, a quick, ugly laugh like she'd said something absurd.

And that was enough. This was her  _ dad _ , but he couldn't say this stuff, he couldn't  _ ruin _ it. After so long of not being good enough, not measuring up, things had been good, she'd been feeling  _ good.  _ But all he wanted from her was shame, and she was  _ tired _ of shame.

"You shouldn't have watched it! I could make up some bullshit about how it was part of my research and I know I should have run it by IRB, but-- this isn't your fucking business." Alex shoved up from her seat, her hands balled into fists. "You don't know  _ anything  _ about her, and if you'd read my goddamn chapter on the way human scientists don't treat aliens like people and how that's a failing of Xeniatrics that is so fucking damaging, maybe you'd take a second look at your own reaction. But you shouldn't have even looked at it."

"You're my  _ daughter _ . Your behavior reflects back on me!"

"My sexuality is my business!"

"Xenophilia isn't a sexuality!"

"Honestly, your academic record has not been up to our usual standards." That was Dr Farber.

Alex whirled on him. This? This was easy. "Max sent that to you because I wouldn't sleep with him, but he won't be punished, will he? He forced Kara into doing it in the first place by holding money over her head when she lost her job and couldn't make rent. But he's not going to get any shit from this. He  _ caused _ this, but he's fine. He's your golden boy, isn't he? You need to show him support because when he's more famous than you you can take credit for it and ride on his laurels."

Dr Farber went stiff and Eliza made a small surprised sound.

"Alex," Jeremiah snapped. "You're coming home with us until you remember how to respect your elders."

"Like hell I am."

Dr Farber's hands were politely folded on his desk, but his knuckles were white. "We are happy to let this go quietly if you withdraw from the program."

"I bet you are," Alex said. She was so tired, and yet, there was also relief in that. No relief about her parents, but at  _ least _ she didn't have to deal with Dr Farber anymore. "That's fine. I'm done with this bullshit program. You're a crap advisor, you know."

She walked out.

Kara and Maggie were gone, and though that made her ache, it was also a relief. Maggie would take care of Kara. She could be sure of that.

Her parents followed her down the four flights of stairs and out the door. Alex wanted to get as far away from the department and Dr Farber and  _ Max _ as she could. Outside the building, they stood in the cold. Dad looked at her, then looked away, disgust too clear on his face.

"I'm going to-- I'm going to go back to the hotel," he said.

That left Alex and her mom.

Alex waited, tense and taut, for the punishment. That had always been her mom's job, and she couldn't say she didn't deserve it. Mouthing off at her advisor, quitting the program, poor decisions about making what was essentially a sex-tape. Alex was still angry though. She'd fight back. Maybe the decisions had been stupid, but they hadn't been wrong. At the time, they hadn't been wrong.

Eliza breathed a long breath out. Finally she spoke. "He  _ is _ a crap advisor."

What? Alex didn't understand. "Then-- then why'd you tell me to come here and work with him?" She threw up her hands. All of this was nuts. No one was acting like she'd thought they would.

"If you impress him, he can launch you. And you've always been impressive. I thought you wouldn't have much trouble." Eliza shrugged. "I suppose people also tell themselves those lies that if it turns out okay it wasn't so bad. Like birth. But being back in that office. I remembered just how awful working with him had felt. It was  _ bad _ ."

Alex laughed weakly, involuntarily, and felt her eyes well up and begin to drip tears, her breath catching tight in her chest.

"She's a pretty girl."

The sudden relief, at her mom's unexpected support, forced a muffled sob out of Alex. At least she had her mom. At least she had  _ something.  _ But . . . "Dad--" She couldn't find enough air or will to make it into a sentence.

Eliza looked away.

She didn't say 'he'll come around.' She didn't say, 'it was shocking seeing his little girl like that.' Alex's mom was ruthlessly truthful. She didn't say anything that was probably a lie. But those lack of lies left a huge aching gulf in Alex's life.

#

When Alex got home, Kara was sitting outside the door of her room. She looked up, wild-eyed and frightened as Alex stepped into the hall. Then she slowly got to her feet. With her arms crossed tight and protective over her chest, she tipped her head, leaning her body forward, tentatively seeking. "Are you okay?" she asked.

Alex shook her head, but even as tears continued to stream down her face, she smiled. Kara was here.

"Do you want me to go?"

Alex shook her head again.

Kara followed her nervously inside, and sat on the couch, bringing her knees in. Alex climbed onto her lap and let her head rest on Kara's shoulder. Kara made a soft, surprised sound and then started stroking Alex's head, tracing fingernails lightly across her scalp.

The touch was soothing, and Alex's chest opened up. "It's my fault, I'm so sorry," she said when she finally could. "Max--Mephisto only joined the site because of me, because he was stalking me. And then he made you do all that stuff, he lost you people, all trying to get at me."

Kara went stiff under her. "What?"

"He's a fellow student. He'd been asking me out and I don't know how he found it, but he did. And I don't think he's going to pay you--"

"In what  _ world _ does that make any of this your fault, Alex?" Kara snapped it at her, rough and harsh and startling. "He was stalking  _ you _ . He hurt  _ you _ . If anything, I gave him the ability to hurt you by asking you to be on the stream."

Alex shook her head hard. "I'm the idiot who chose to do it. Even though I  _ know _ that nothing on the internet is private, that nothing goes away--"

"You regret it?" Kara's voice had gotten very small.

Alex froze. Oh no. Had that been what she'd said?

"Do you regret agreeing to meet me in person?"

Alex shook her head wildly. " _ Never _ . Of course not. I just wish I'd been more wary . . ."

Kara let out a long sigh and rubbed her eyes with the back of her hand. She offered Alex a soft, watery smile. "You know, I was pretty scared about meeting you."

Alex shrank a little. "I know."

"I've had some bad experiences. I've had people lie about who they are and what they want. But I decided to take a risk, meet you anyways."

"Why did you?" Alex asked. She felt raw and like she'd been punched and pierced a hundred times. She felt like whatever the answer was, it would be a blow, because she wasn't deserving, wasn't worth the risk. She'd brought a bad person into Kara's carefully constructed camspace and he'd coerced and manipulated her into crossing her own boundaries. If Kara had taken this risk because she thought Alex might be a good bet, she'd been wrong.

But Kara was rubbing her shoulder, gentle circles. Alex relaxed in spite of herself. "I decided to meet you because it's not a mistake to trust people," she said, softly. "Sometimes it turns out to be the wrong decision, but giving someone a chance doesn't make it your fault when they turn out to be a bad person." She held both of Alex's shoulders firmly, keeping eye contact, making sure Alex was listening, that she understood. "Assuming everyone's going to hurt you just makes you hurt yourself. And it makes you miss things. I didn't want to miss you."

"But you didn't know me," Alex protested.

Kara shook her head. "No," she said. "But I hoped. And I was right to hope, to take a risk on hope."

Alex swallowed, sure that she'd collapse if Kara changed her mind. "You think so?"

Kara nodded. "I know so. Because-- When your parents came out of the office, and it was so clear that they knew--they knew what I was and what it meant that you were with me--you kept holding on to my hand."

"I had to. I didn't want you to think that--"

"I love you," Kara said softly.

Everything around Alex had felt black. Her future, her bonds with her family, her sense of safety, they'd all withered and died and rotted away. It would be easy to push Kara away too and just wallow in that blackness. But everything she'd just said-- Alex could doubt everyone in the world, but she couldn't doubt Kara.

"I love you too," Alex said.

Kara rubbed the back of her neck and planted a kiss in her hair.

Everything had gone so terribly wrong, but Alex knew she'd made one good decision. She hadn't let go of Kara's hand.

#

A few days later, Alex got an email from WinSloW.

"Hi Alex," it read. "Kara told the chat what happened, and I just wanted to apologize to you. I knew 777Mephisto was a douche and I should never have gone along with his ideas. I just wanted to let you know, that you won't have trouble with him again.

And, Alex, I also wanted to say that I LOVE LOVE, and I am so glad that a stand-up guy like you is taking care of Kara, and I know you're not a guy, but I honestly never really believed that on the chat, and so it was pretty shocking to see you, but you're very cute, and you look very good with Kara, and I know Kara's planning on closing the cam channel if she gets that new job with the crazy hours, but I would really love to follow you guys on Instagram. This is my handle. Let me know if it's okay for me to follow!

Best,

Winn"

There was a  _ lot _ to unpack in that. Alex called Maggie immediately.

"I just got this email-- Do you know anything about something happening to Max?"

Maggie seemed surprised. "Let me get back to you." She called back in five minutes. "So, his accounts were flagged for money laundering and the Feds froze his assets."

"What?" Alex stared blankly at her computer screen where she'd pulled up WinSloW's Instagram. It was nearly 100% nerdy memes and links to XKCD comics.

"Yeah. He's actually withdrawn for the semester and has gone to Washington to try to sort it out."

"Wow." That was . . . interesting.

She followed Winn on Instagram. Why not, really?

The next email she got was from BarryA's fiancée. It was a nice 'lets hang out if you're ever in Central City.'

And then she got an email from Dr Amphipoli.

"My office. Today. 10AM."

You didn't say no to a message like that.

#

The meeting had been very strange. She'd sent Dr Amphipoli the newest version of the chapter before the debacle with her parents, Dr Farber, and the sextape. Dr Amphipoli spent the first hour of the meeting talking only about the chapter, as if she hadn't heard about her leaving the program. Alex hadn't been able to get a word in edgewise, and had been taking furious notes, because if she didn't, Dr Amphipoli would  _ look _ at her.

At the end of the meeting, Dr Amphipoli gave her an offer. The offer came with a chapter outline for a new dissertation and a list of books she'd have to read.

"I think you're impressive, Alex," Dr Amphipoli said. "If Dr Farber wants to waste that, he can go ahead. I told him so, and that I was poaching you. He tried to protest, talking bullshit about going to the dean. But I explained why he didn't want to do that, and the coward buckled. He won't be a problem. So consider staying. I think with some actual support, you could produce something that  _ might _ be worth reading."

Alex wasn't sure if this was a compliment, or terrifying.

Dr Amphipoli told her not to give her an answer now, but to go and think about it, and read at least one of the books on the list before she decided. But as Alex was about to leave, Dr Amphipoli handed her a card. "I invite all my top students to my house for a dinner party at the end of term. You were going to be invited anyways, but now, if you come, I expect you to bring your girlfriend--you know you won't be able to use her as an informant anymore, right?" Alex was too bewildered to say anything. "Oh, and just as a warning. My wife will definitely make you listen to her recite poetry.  _ Literature people.  _ Gird your loins."

As Alex walked back to her dorm, her phone rang. It was Kara. "I got the job," she said, sounding breathless. "I got the big one. I didn't tell you about it because I didn't want to jinx it, but I got a job as Cat Grant's assistant at CatCo. It's mostly fetching coffee, but I am very good at fetching coffee, and she hates Starbucks, so I never have to enter a Starbucks again."

"That's  _ amazing _ ." It  _ was _ amazing. The whole day was full of strange astonishment. Alex jumped up onto the edge of the fountain and did a spin. "You're amazing."

Kara was laughing.

"I think I have news too. I'm going to transfer to Anthropology. I got offered another year of funding."

"You  _ did _ ?"

"I'm going to take it." Alex hadn't decided until right then. But it felt right. The only part of her dissertation that she cared about was that one chapter. And it actually felt important, worth writing.

It was what her dad needed to hear.

"Do you want to go out tonight?" Kara asked. "Celebrate a little?"

"Definitely."

They ended up at the alien bar with Maggie. Kara was astonished by it and wanted to talk to everyone, see everything. She ended up having a long discussion with M'gann, the bartender, about being human passing, and Alex watched her, leaning up against the wall by the pool table with Maggie.

"How are things with your parents?" Maggie asked.

Alex let out a long breath. "Not great. Mom, she said she was pleased that I was moving to work with Dr Amphipoli. Dad hasn't said anything."

Alex had always been closer to her dad, felt like she could tell him anything, felt sure of his love and affection. Her mom had been a little cold, a little judgmental. But the fact that Eliza hadn't changed, that she was still cold and judgmental, it was like a lifeline to cling to. Also her mom never bullshitted her. If her dad showed any signs of coming around, she'd tell her. But she wouldn't try to make her hope if there wasn't any reason to.

Maggie moved closer in to her side, and Alex leaned on her a little bit. It was so important to have people to lean on.

When they left the bar, Maggie said goodbye, but Kara's hand stayed tucked warm in Alex's, and they ended up back outside Alex's dorm.

"Do you want to come up?" Alex asked, feeling a little shy, but also calm in the yellow light over the stairs.

Kara nodded.

There were no cameras upstairs, or memories of them. Just Kara, warm and strong, and Alex, asking permission--can I kiss you? The answer being yes.

They ended up in Alex's narrow dorm room bed, with Kara spending what felt like the amount of time a person would be caught in the event horizon of a black hole on Alex's neck and shoulders. Alex had never felt quite so in her body, her mind hazed, every inch of her warm and open to touch, Kara's arral against her belly, her hand clasping it down as Kara gasped and clutched at the sheets around her head. And then Kara's hands, creeping down her hips, and the quiet request for permission. Kara, kneeling over her, her eyes fixed and serious. Then she leaned down to plant another kiss just under Alex's ear, and nip the skin of her collarbone between her teeth. Alex had never liked being touched, never really wanted anything inside her, but Kara's hands calmed her and soothed her until the very limpness and openness of every nerve made her shudder, and the warm slick press of the arral--nothing breaching, just sensation--it felt like a tight wire that had been choking Alex finally unwrapped and let her unfold.

#

At the end of term party, Dr Amphipoli's wife did recite an epic poem.

It was one from Krypton. ("Entirely her own idea," Dr Amphipoli said. "I take no responsibility.")

Kara cried.

Max was indicted for trying to bribe a Federal Agent.

Alex posted a picture of her and Kara at the party to her private Instagram feed. Winn liked it immediately. So did Eliza.

And Kara found an apartment close to the university and to CatCo that had big windows she could sun herself in and a reasonable rent when it was divided in two, and asked Alex to move in. For the costs, you know. Rental prices in National City were absurd.

Obviously, Alex said yes.

###

**Author's Note:**

> And we're done! Thank you so much for reading, and for all your comments! It felt like the halcyon days of livejournal again!


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